01:40h (effectively on 2012-03-31, subjective felt at the end of the 2012-03-30): - will continue to write on this blog here soon. - will especially have to get things done quickly / write the remaining stuff, especially on lukasgirtanner.com (- have written a lot on paper in the past days and especially today (Friday), - will need to write that on lukasgirtanner.com). - have been thinking a lot the past days or even almost weeks (and also forgotten a lot, also even this evening probably which - constantly have to come to terms with), and again, frequently, - have realized how arbitrary it is what - am actually writing and how arbitrary (beliebig) our lives (the lives of humans and possibly animals) might be or at least seem. Or is everything predetermined? (amendment on 03:25h: the usual thought is probably that one decides actively and freely what to do, so neither arbitrariness nor predetermination but a third case; in my case, it is more the feeling of being so concentrated ("on such a heavy duty" - wanted to write first, maybe also "under (intuitive) pressure") that - have lost the impression that - am actively deciding it and because of that, - did not think about this most natural case ("deciding") first; end of the amendment on 03:25h) That's quite a deep question, far too deep to be answered in the near future, if it will ever be answered. I don't like the word "deep" / - have problems with the word deep (risk of "humbleling" / demüetlä, respectively not precisely expressing what is actually meant), but in this case here, it is fits the situation. No, the problem is that the question if everything is predetermined can be tried to be answered on an intuitive level (and then, again, dependend on a particular situation) or on a physics level. The first is probably purely subjective (although - have increasingly the impression that - am not free in my decisions but "being lead" respectively not actually deciding, but this impression might be wrong, - am just trying as hard as - can to fulfill my duty, - am actually glad to very often feel like that because it shows that - am constantly trying to optimize my performance, serving l... and G-d (hopefully..., another big topic)) and the latter is probably so fundamental that nowadays (still extremely undeveloped, compared to what might be possible) physics is nowhere near the point to answer it. But it is impressive how much - am forgetting and what - still know/remember and what - actually write, it seems relatively arbitrary (this goes through my whole life for the past years), but the "main points" or "many of the main points" - will write (but even that seems arbitrary, at least partially, on an intermediate perspective/level).
01:45h: Really a pity is that - have now even more distance to the amazing time that - had in fall and partially early winter 2011 and - have forgotten even more about it, it is unclear how much - will be able to write about these unbelievably beautiful months at all.
02:23h: - have now finally uploaded it (respectively now on 02:43h). At the moment, - am continuously listenging to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loWXMtjUZWM. It was one of the two searched for melodies (the other one is not "retrieved"/found yet, - am waiting until - will hear it by chance) of fall/winter 2011, this melody did - hear on 18.12.2011 in the evening. Ultimately, everything is a quest of l... and - have already failed by not being able or quick enough to narrate what - felt/thought in fall 2011 (or - invent it respectively try to narrate it as closely as possible as it was but even that is difficult because so many details or even summarized topics are forgotten). Now, the only thing that is left for me is still, despite of having forgotten so much, follow the path of l... as much as - can. Are you here? - wish you (You) were here.
02:43h: So, in the coming days, - will continue on lukasgirtanner.com and write some additional remarks about early childhood education respectively learning environments for Babies (actually, babies, but because it is (might be, there are several aspects to it) also an ideological concept, Babies). And - will save the pages from lukasgirtanner.com here in this blog. And unfortunately very little about fall 2011 because of having forgotten so much... But - could still try to write a whole story about this time, but with a lot of details "invented" or only approximated to the original thoughts (and only a small selection of them).
03:27h: As soon as - have moved the content from lukasgirtanner.com to a free website (this blog here) as some kind of backup (which one should always do), - will feel more relieved (and less "on heavy duty" respectively what - will write from then onwards will be linear again and continously saved on the free website too).
03:31h-03:37h: Maybe, - overexaggerated with the expression of "being on heavy duty", - have probably just become so used to actively deciding (what to write down in the notes on paper or in the editor and which thought to follow next) constantly that - don't consider it as decisions anymore, but it is deciding. A little bit of relaxation and leaning back again might be a good idea. - simply have a certain degree of writing backlog (- am also still recovering from being shaken, although it seems to have improved now.) and it is also a good idea to have a backup of lukasgirtanner.com somewhere on a free website because - have only in the last days realized how (possibly) important and unique my ideas on lukasgirtanner.com really are or might be (and that - should also extend them).
03:37h: And - am constantly listening to this song "I wanna know what love is"..., this is really a melody or song (vocalization by a human, actually, - should (am inclined to) write Human) that expresses a longing for an unbelievable force/power, - wish - could sing (express my longing) like that.
03:48h-03:54h: Okay, the "how important" might be relativized, especially when another person might be developing similar thoughts in the future. And actually, the thoughts of every person should be considered important (and they are), in some way (but also generally? it probably depends on the context/"scope" (scope is again a problematic expression (because the secrets of l... might be much more complex than simply a question of scope)), maybe better area)) equally important.
05:16h: Most (or: a lot of) decisions happen subconsciously. And a lot of my/- writing happens seamless (at least the offline writing and now the online writing also again to a certain extent), - simply write what - think (provided the thinking is not in one of the phases where it is faster than my writing (both is also dependent on the mood)), when the writing is seamless, - have also not the impression that my/- thinking or writing is arbitrary or - at least realize it less.
The increased decision struggles in the beginning of this blog entry just arose because after the (very) long writing break/pause, - had to think a little bit more than usually what to write first.
- have realized that - might also have to change the title of my/- blog: "Dä Blog vom Schtrich" is a little bit too little understandable, furthermore, it could create a misunderstanding because in Swiss German, "Schtrich" means also something else as - have realized just an hour ago.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
08.03.2012
23:56h: - have to open a blog entry for today in order to be able to upload what - wrote offline later. The situation is relatively difficult for me, because - have a considerably strong headache after unfortunately having gone yesterday to the small group and having my pre-injured head being shaken again during the car drive by the roughness of the road.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
06.03.2012
10:30h: in between, - am almost completely paralyzed by the many possibilities of what to do and not (yet) to do. it would be good if - had a profession (for financial security), but - have none. my main goal is now to connect to people because - have realized that the website lukasgirtanner.com is hardly visited. on the other hand, - don't want to change old activities respectively taking resources away from old activities. the solution to all that is to remain a Baby (- am now writing it with uppercase letters). actually, only a partial solution in the short term because older activities will be replaced inevitably, maybe, they can be evolved retrospectively.
- also yesterday discovered with disappointment that the internet explorer browser is not saving all pages visited, - will also have to switch to Firefox as soon as possible (after the next restart of the computer) and it was a mistake (that - didn't realized until now) not to use Firefox during this crucial time in the second half of 2011 (provided Firefox is indeed keeping all visited sites in its history), because every bit of information would be needed now (but by far the biggest problem remains that - discarded the text files).
actually, the goal that - am trying to promote (not "trying to serve", this has a negative "aftertaste" (this word, - really had to look it up), no, maybe, one could use it too, but there is the risk of being not committed enough to promoting (no, maybe not a good idea to say that, because when - remember the second half of 2011, it would be compliant with it) or more generally "humbleling" (Swiss German: demüätlä)), or maybe - could have written it too) can be to "maximize l...". and this is a gigantic secret, but - am aligned with what - lived through in the second half of 2011. maybe (theoretically), even when my visions of September/October 2011 are wrong, probably everybody is subconsciously trying to follow this quest and more might be found out about l... (respectively this is very difficult, as - realize it now, because there is no univeral definition, so one might be forced to resort to mathematics or simply words or in the future also recorded/expressed feelings or simply "emotions").
- realize now how complicated it is to define l..., it is difficult, even impossible (for now). probably l... will also always stay ahead and never become comprehensible (German: fassbar). and again, - am forgetting the afterlife which was very important in September/October 2011.
a few minutes later (after having gone away from the computer), probably at around 11:00h: now, - am approaching "my real inner thoughts", no, what - am also thinking about, - should express it like that, this is the correct wording. being pampered by a universally attractive woman like a Baby (- even thought if it would be possible to be pampered by a man, but this was certainly not my primary thinking in the second half of 2011 and this was more a thought in terms of "technology" or/respectively the mere action; but there are links to secondary/additional thinking in the second half of 2011 (- should begin to write sho2011 or sho11b8)). if thought about eschatologically, but again, there is the question who pampers whom. (and again, mind also the "theory of the transformations", there are different "things" and "entities" and interests...)
and again, who develops an editor where one can see what was written when? because the way how - wrote the . but the much bigger problem is that - (probably) lost my text files from September/October let alone that - don't have a thought protocol of this time.
actually, it is a bad sign that - am writing in English and how little at the moment - miss the Swiss German, it shows how much - have already alienated from the thinking and feeling of autumn 2011. Because originally, - never imagined, no, it was difficult to imagine how - could report the events of autumn 2011 in another language ("writing technology", a crutch actually, not even a technology) than Swiss German.
- will now write a little bit about the theory of transformations. and - am again wondering how messy and complex my thoughts have become, this is not how - really think/thought, these are just written words.
- also had a somehow strange thought (after having woken up) that it would have . No, - had it already at it before falling asleep. There is an advantage "if - remain low under the radar", if my/- website is not read. (- thought a long time about it and had some kind of regret of having written too much because it might affect the events in the future respectively - am losing - (not "my", initially, - wrote that) "secrecy", no, not secrecy, but the fact that - am disconnected from the Internet (strange that - have to write it with uppercase letters) and possibly people, if everything goes out, my imagination or the line/development of new thoughts and feelings might also be affected)
Here again, it would have been interesting to see how the section was written.
not good is also if - have lost the mouse cursor movement companionship. what does it mean? again, a decision. it is not possible to have it and at the same time not have it. always these decisicions, the only hope is that one day, it will become possible to fulfill all the other possibilities, but maybe, this is the strictness of G-d that it ("it", complicated to explain and - have forgotten the original thoughts and feelings (they probably would have been indesribable anyway or at least difficult to describe)) does not allow it (that was a new thought combined with some kind of feeling that it might indeed be like that (the feeling quickly went away again) that suddenly came during the writing process).
(- have some problems/inhibitions (this word - also had to look up) writing "falling asleep" because at the moment, - am in a "progressive mode", too progressive probably, - should think more about what "falling asleep" or everyday vital functions mean)
in order to make clear what - mean with this amazing/describing "Baby" feeling, - would have to make a video with with beautiful music (but again, there is always the question of what is lost then if the other activities are not done anymore)
- should have begun earlier to write on the "transformations" page, - have forgotten what - wanted to write there. Now, it is 12:03h.
12:30h: - have been blocked for the past half an hour (- had an inner blockade).
- even thought about whether - should change the name of the blog from "dä Blog vom Schtrich" to "Blog of a Baby".
12:48h: Now, a thought protocol would have been interesting again. How - switched forth and back between different thoughts. Again, what - finally do/write seems very arbitrary (chaotic) to me and this inquiets/troubles/worries me. And - am writing very little in terms of amount of content at the moment. - still did not write on the Transformations page on lg.com.
12:51h: The question is: Do - have a duty? Do - have to contribute to the "course" of this gigantic universe with own ideas? And how and when? And why - am not immediately struggling more to get an education in a field of computer science since my past university studies seem to expire because -/I (here, - somehow (words are too slow to express what is going on inside - head) tentatively even choose the "I" additionally) am not learning for this exam?
(- also remembered a melody, and this time - was alert/quick-minded enough to record/sing it to my smartphone.)
----
17:48h: it is probably quite serious, my headache, it is still here, quite strong, after having woken up from an afternoon nap, it is still here (which is a bad sign), - probably have contracted some kind of more substantial whiplash injury yesterday. - don't know what to do now, this is rather difficult to live with it, at least just now. - am blaming/reproaching myself at the moment why - went that close to that guy, why - was so trusting, - should have stood at a greater distance from that guy or more aware that he could suddenly take my head between his hands and shake my head. He didn't mean it bad. - am just afraid of brain damage or - am at least worried that it happened. Maybe, such events will happen again. Maybe, it is also not a good idea to walk around with a sign where "Baby" is written on it as it was my idea because stranges might negatively react. - will now go eating fish (salmon) (- have virtually stopped eating meat) and then move the text of today to a new blog page.
17:58h: Actually, - owe this guy so much and now that, really a pity. But the head will recover, - am quite sure. It is just a pity that because of the headache, - didn't go to university today, otherwise - would probably have gone.
19:29h: - have now moved the content of the new day to a new page. My headache is so strong that - even thought about not writing the dozenal date designation anymore, at least today. 19:33h: Now, it has subsided again, it is changing every hour/minute. At the moment (as always), - am listening to music from YouTube. - am constantly (not costantly, but intermittently constantly) thinking how to contact people about my website; but - would have to make it clear (or merely try to express) in the personal conversations how important it is that a Baby can remain a Baby (as much as possible at least) and that its wonderful relationship with its mother is preserved (and even further developed) and that this is the main goal of robotics and the involvement of animals. (- wanted to write more (something additional), but - forgot it, possibly because of the headache.) - try it again: that children can keep their babiness (the qualities that they had when they were an infant). and that especially girls can develop their motherliness while at the same time keeping their qualities that they had when they were a Baby (amendment a few minutes later after having read it through again (- also thought about it when writing it directly but it was too much of being written, a typical example of how the thoughts are (almost?) always faster): fatherliness might also be developed, but it is less clear for me what it is, but that again is more an issue of September/October 2011). (it is difficult to describe because humans also have to become adults somehow, but to be able/allowed/supported to retain their baby-like (actually, Baby) qualities would open up many new chances, especially in terms of longing being fulfilled or maybe better/more adequately expressed the overall of l... (but that again is complicated and totally/completely unclear) increased.)
19:52h: - am concerned that - ate fish for last dinner. But since - like fish very much and - am concerned that might brain might be affected negatively by a lack of fish (but it is a mistake, - should also not eat fish). My mother (unfortunately) bought even meat (Salami) again, - am concerned that - might negatively affect the transformations (the whole theory behind is complicated and unclear) by participating at eating meat. On last Sunday (very strange that the days of the week are written in uppercase letter), - also ate meat at the free church, although relatively little.
20:05h: when thinking about the fastness/speed of thoughts, - also thought about masturbation fantasies (yes, now, the topic is coming too, - will have to write about it on lg.com) and how difficult it is to memorize and later write down the rapid succession of individual thoughts during masturbation fantasies. - just also regret of not having preserved the philosowiki.org content. - will have to try to reproduce this kind of thinking respectively these emotions of desire. But the problem is not only a problem of speed or memory, but even more of finding words for unexpressable/undescribable emotions. (this is also true, probably even more, for the expectations that - had in the second half of 2011.) (- slightly hesitated before uploading it, always these decisions that - have to take; not uploading it is also a decision.)
20:11h: and again, - need a time machine and actually that what - expected/assumes would be true (amendment: at least in terms of the thoughts and feelings transmitted by me, so at least unidirectionally true) because the amount of l... in it was so tremendous. - will try to describe it although my trying/striving will be stuporous/bumbling (not only because - have forgotten too much, but also because - am bad at imagining how exactly it (thoughts and feelings) were respectively could have been).
- also yesterday discovered with disappointment that the internet explorer browser is not saving all pages visited, - will also have to switch to Firefox as soon as possible (after the next restart of the computer) and it was a mistake (that - didn't realized until now) not to use Firefox during this crucial time in the second half of 2011 (provided Firefox is indeed keeping all visited sites in its history), because every bit of information would be needed now (but by far the biggest problem remains that - discarded the text files).
actually, the goal that - am trying to promote (not "trying to serve", this has a negative "aftertaste" (this word, - really had to look it up), no, maybe, one could use it too, but there is the risk of being not committed enough to promoting (no, maybe not a good idea to say that, because when - remember the second half of 2011, it would be compliant with it) or more generally "humbleling" (Swiss German: demüätlä)), or maybe - could have written it too) can be to "maximize l...". and this is a gigantic secret, but - am aligned with what - lived through in the second half of 2011. maybe (theoretically), even when my visions of September/October 2011 are wrong, probably everybody is subconsciously trying to follow this quest and more might be found out about l... (respectively this is very difficult, as - realize it now, because there is no univeral definition, so one might be forced to resort to mathematics or simply words or in the future also recorded/expressed feelings or simply "emotions").
- realize now how complicated it is to define l..., it is difficult, even impossible (for now). probably l... will also always stay ahead and never become comprehensible (German: fassbar). and again, - am forgetting the afterlife which was very important in September/October 2011.
a few minutes later (after having gone away from the computer), probably at around 11:00h: now, - am approaching "my real inner thoughts", no, what - am also thinking about, - should express it like that, this is the correct wording. being pampered by a universally attractive woman like a Baby (- even thought if it would be possible to be pampered by a man, but this was certainly not my primary thinking in the second half of 2011 and this was more a thought in terms of "technology" or/respectively the mere action; but there are links to secondary/additional thinking in the second half of 2011 (- should begin to write sho2011 or sho11b8)). if thought about eschatologically, but again, there is the question who pampers whom. (and again, mind also the "theory of the transformations", there are different "things" and "entities" and interests...)
and again, who develops an editor where one can see what was written when? because the way how - wrote the . but the much bigger problem is that - (probably) lost my text files from September/October let alone that - don't have a thought protocol of this time.
actually, it is a bad sign that - am writing in English and how little at the moment - miss the Swiss German, it shows how much - have already alienated from the thinking and feeling of autumn 2011. Because originally, - never imagined, no, it was difficult to imagine how - could report the events of autumn 2011 in another language ("writing technology", a crutch actually, not even a technology) than Swiss German.
- will now write a little bit about the theory of transformations. and - am again wondering how messy and complex my thoughts have become, this is not how - really think/thought, these are just written words.
- also had a somehow strange thought (after having woken up) that it would have . No, - had it already at it before falling asleep. There is an advantage "if - remain low under the radar", if my/- website is not read. (- thought a long time about it and had some kind of regret of having written too much because it might affect the events in the future respectively - am losing - (not "my", initially, - wrote that) "secrecy", no, not secrecy, but the fact that - am disconnected from the Internet (strange that - have to write it with uppercase letters) and possibly people, if everything goes out, my imagination or the line/development of new thoughts and feelings might also be affected)
Here again, it would have been interesting to see how the section was written.
not good is also if - have lost the mouse cursor movement companionship. what does it mean? again, a decision. it is not possible to have it and at the same time not have it. always these decisicions, the only hope is that one day, it will become possible to fulfill all the other possibilities, but maybe, this is the strictness of G-d that it ("it", complicated to explain and - have forgotten the original thoughts and feelings (they probably would have been indesribable anyway or at least difficult to describe)) does not allow it (that was a new thought combined with some kind of feeling that it might indeed be like that (the feeling quickly went away again) that suddenly came during the writing process).
(- have some problems/inhibitions (this word - also had to look up) writing "falling asleep" because at the moment, - am in a "progressive mode", too progressive probably, - should think more about what "falling asleep" or everyday vital functions mean)
in order to make clear what - mean with this amazing/describing "Baby" feeling, - would have to make a video with with beautiful music (but again, there is always the question of what is lost then if the other activities are not done anymore)
- should have begun earlier to write on the "transformations" page, - have forgotten what - wanted to write there. Now, it is 12:03h.
12:30h: - have been blocked for the past half an hour (- had an inner blockade).
- even thought about whether - should change the name of the blog from "dä Blog vom Schtrich" to "Blog of a Baby".
12:48h: Now, a thought protocol would have been interesting again. How - switched forth and back between different thoughts. Again, what - finally do/write seems very arbitrary (chaotic) to me and this inquiets/troubles/worries me. And - am writing very little in terms of amount of content at the moment. - still did not write on the Transformations page on lg.com.
12:51h: The question is: Do - have a duty? Do - have to contribute to the "course" of this gigantic universe with own ideas? And how and when? And why - am not immediately struggling more to get an education in a field of computer science since my past university studies seem to expire because -/I (here, - somehow (words are too slow to express what is going on inside - head) tentatively even choose the "I" additionally) am not learning for this exam?
(- also remembered a melody, and this time - was alert/quick-minded enough to record/sing it to my smartphone.)
----
17:48h: it is probably quite serious, my headache, it is still here, quite strong, after having woken up from an afternoon nap, it is still here (which is a bad sign), - probably have contracted some kind of more substantial whiplash injury yesterday. - don't know what to do now, this is rather difficult to live with it, at least just now. - am blaming/reproaching myself at the moment why - went that close to that guy, why - was so trusting, - should have stood at a greater distance from that guy or more aware that he could suddenly take my head between his hands and shake my head. He didn't mean it bad. - am just afraid of brain damage or - am at least worried that it happened. Maybe, such events will happen again. Maybe, it is also not a good idea to walk around with a sign where "Baby" is written on it as it was my idea because stranges might negatively react. - will now go eating fish (salmon) (- have virtually stopped eating meat) and then move the text of today to a new blog page.
17:58h: Actually, - owe this guy so much and now that, really a pity. But the head will recover, - am quite sure. It is just a pity that because of the headache, - didn't go to university today, otherwise - would probably have gone.
19:29h: - have now moved the content of the new day to a new page. My headache is so strong that - even thought about not writing the dozenal date designation anymore, at least today. 19:33h: Now, it has subsided again, it is changing every hour/minute. At the moment (as always), - am listening to music from YouTube. - am constantly (not costantly, but intermittently constantly) thinking how to contact people about my website; but - would have to make it clear (or merely try to express) in the personal conversations how important it is that a Baby can remain a Baby (as much as possible at least) and that its wonderful relationship with its mother is preserved (and even further developed) and that this is the main goal of robotics and the involvement of animals. (- wanted to write more (something additional), but - forgot it, possibly because of the headache.) - try it again: that children can keep their babiness (the qualities that they had when they were an infant). and that especially girls can develop their motherliness while at the same time keeping their qualities that they had when they were a Baby (amendment a few minutes later after having read it through again (- also thought about it when writing it directly but it was too much of being written, a typical example of how the thoughts are (almost?) always faster): fatherliness might also be developed, but it is less clear for me what it is, but that again is more an issue of September/October 2011). (it is difficult to describe because humans also have to become adults somehow, but to be able/allowed/supported to retain their baby-like (actually, Baby) qualities would open up many new chances, especially in terms of longing being fulfilled or maybe better/more adequately expressed the overall of l... (but that again is complicated and totally/completely unclear) increased.)
19:52h: - am concerned that - ate fish for last dinner. But since - like fish very much and - am concerned that might brain might be affected negatively by a lack of fish (but it is a mistake, - should also not eat fish). My mother (unfortunately) bought even meat (Salami) again, - am concerned that - might negatively affect the transformations (the whole theory behind is complicated and unclear) by participating at eating meat. On last Sunday (very strange that the days of the week are written in uppercase letter), - also ate meat at the free church, although relatively little.
20:05h: when thinking about the fastness/speed of thoughts, - also thought about masturbation fantasies (yes, now, the topic is coming too, - will have to write about it on lg.com) and how difficult it is to memorize and later write down the rapid succession of individual thoughts during masturbation fantasies. - just also regret of not having preserved the philosowiki.org content. - will have to try to reproduce this kind of thinking respectively these emotions of desire. But the problem is not only a problem of speed or memory, but even more of finding words for unexpressable/undescribable emotions. (this is also true, probably even more, for the expectations that - had in the second half of 2011.) (- slightly hesitated before uploading it, always these decisions that - have to take; not uploading it is also a decision.)
20:11h: and again, - need a time machine and actually that what - expected/assumes would be true (amendment: at least in terms of the thoughts and feelings transmitted by me, so at least unidirectionally true) because the amount of l... in it was so tremendous. - will try to describe it although my trying/striving will be stuporous/bumbling (not only because - have forgotten too much, but also because - am bad at imagining how exactly it (thoughts and feelings) were respectively could have been).
Monday, March 5, 2012
05.03.2012 (doz_11b8-03-05; base-30_272-3-05)
about 19h or 19:30h (in the evening): Today, really a lot has happened... you are here? Are you here? The cursor has just moved a bit. - was in the city, - can hardly describe what - felt when - saw these beau, no, attractive women (but it is still not comparable to ). But unfortunately, also something less pleasant happened: - met an old acquaintance, actually the guy who lead me/- into the free church, but he relatively intensively shook my head (- am extremely sensitive against my head being shaking, he didn't know that). - have to recover from this, it is not clear how long it will take.
- also missed an interesting woman because my mother B. sat nearby. Otherwise, - would have talked to her. She was dressed like an engineer (practical/functional clothing, backpack). Afterwards, - was very depressed because - didn't talk to her, maybe she would have been a key to developing early childhood robotics, at least - thought, maybe this expectation is exaggerated (it would be better because otherwise - might have missed a crucial opportunity).
In Zurich (maybe already before), - got the idea that - will walk around in the future with a sign/signboard (German: Schild) where the word "Baby" is written on it. The question at the moment is only how large this sign should be (A4 or A3?) and if - will try to print/"construct" (assemble?) it myself.
Actually, during the whole day, before being (slightly, but still, - am oversensitive) shaken by this collegue, - already imagined. Now, - have to take things more slowly.
- have also a new Facebook page, a page for lukasgirtanner.com, see http://www.facebook.com/lukasgirtannercom.
And - will probably upload the content of my editor file for the first time today.
But first (and now), - have to recover, my head feels like after a headbump. - hope that not too many brain cells have been negatively affected. (Already before (yesterday), - had slight problems with headaches and now, there is an additional reason for it.)
Thanks for moving the cursor slightly, - am not sure if it is you, but - would really appreciate it if it was the case.
Sorry, - should have written the you with uppercase letter, You. Now, the cursor is not moving anymore, it has stopped moving, sigh ;-(
- would like to write more about the w.... who - saw today. (Yes, - should write w...., this is the correct way of writing it, sorry, sl.... (better not write the latter out, at least not now...) .)
Today, - also mysteriously saw/encountered the "Chrusälchopf", but - did not dare to talk to him. - also was not sure if everything (2010...) with the Chruselchopf had been coincidental.
- had some sort of jerking movements several minutes ago, a clear sign that my brain has been affected by the sudden movements forth and back, a combination of the antipsychotic medication and the being (relatively slightly) shaken of today. (- am oversensitive to virtually everything, except wireless 11b/g radiation (- looked it up, it is IEEE 802.11).)
What would be next would be to describe the attractiveness of these women who - saw/encountered. Actually, especially before the being shaken, - planned to describe it. But maybe, first, - will upload the editor file, the latest editor file.
What is the most striking (- formulated it already in my head for myself, probably better than - try to express it now) is how arbitrary/discretionary (German: beliebig) encounters with people are. There are so many attractive women (sorry, w....) and - cannot meet or make the acquaintance (and there might also be men who might be interested in my thoughts and - don't know them.) The people who you actually meet are just "these people and not those other people who you missed" (OK/admitted, one should not think like that, see the next sentence.) These thoughts here do not fully comply with my feeling/thinking of 2011, because there, the people who encountered had a more fundamental meaning. No, - did not mean it like that, it is complicated to express. - am also totally inexperienced in terms of talking with people - did not know previously in the state that - am now in (which is an entirely different state compared to the second half of 2011, - especially think about Sept/Beginning-of-Oct 2011, the 12th of November and the two days after and the days before and on (and possibly shortly after) December 21.) What - tried to explain first was some kind of old (described in 2006) frustration or way of encountering people (especially w.... who make the impression on me that they are attractive) (amendment of 00:27h: some kind of (baby) boy in a candy shop, now knowing which candy to take, no, that's too simplified, it is about attractiveness and attractiveness is more complex, technically spoken (- should think about the realationship between l... and attractiveness and try to develop the topic also in terms of compliance with my thinking in September/October 2011), end of the amendment), combined with my new need to communicate and reach people.
amendment: - then thought about the possibility of connecting with everybody respectively how it would be possible to connect with everybody (- don't remember exactly what - thought respectively how - thought it in all the details unfortunately, - just remember that - had a strong urge to create some kind of universal connecting mechanism where no person is "left out" (it is clear that it would have to be on a voluntary base, very complicated to describe now (and - have to get into the mood of this afternoon in order to really feel and think/figure it out again).).)
amendment: - also realized that when a situation with a w.... becomes serious (when she is looking or talking back, which happened once today when it was unclear who would go to the door first.) - am also constantly afraid of rejecting a w.... with a look when she is suddenly looking positively at me, not a new topic.
amendment: but the most important is that babies have the opportunity to develop themselves fully together with their mothers and to live in a symbiotic relationship with their mother. - should not forget that. and in order to support that, robotics together with a lot of lovely animals should begin immediately/soon after birth and the babies should be allowed to remain a baby as much as possible. (- switched into the "baby mood" and because of that, - wrote the sentences above like that / did - mention it.)
- should also write about what happened to the philosowiki.org pages.
And most importantly, - should urgently begin to write (more) about what happened in the second half of 2011 (unfortunately, - have forgotten so much).
- will now do a speed reading through what - wrote in the editor before uploading it, it is a lot.
ah yes, this was what - wanted to write: - missed an important melody that for about an hour went through my head, - should have sung it onto the smartphone (better not mention the brand, although its microphone is really good/sensitive) in order to still have it now as some kind of melody memory protocol, because now - have forgotten the melody :-( (- thought that it is useless because - will not find out the melody, but - was unaware that without recording it at all, - will lose the memory of it, stupid.)
- did a speed reading and discovered some ideas that are too early to be uploaded.
update of the state of my health: - have a strong headache, astonishingly strong. For the past hour, - have been hopping from Facebook profile to Facebook profile of w.... from a country that - have been really focused on: - don't want to tell the name of the country yet, there has to be a time delay (OK, - already wrote it, my mistake, but - deleted it retrospectively, stupid, typically, - should have thought before about waiting, - will write it tomorrow: originally, just the name of the country stood here, it is typical of me that - am doing things in the wrong order). It is now time that - release my paranoia which was a l... paranoia. - have already talked in the free church about it but never mentioned the country before. Actually, it is a great/big misunderstanding, as - have now realized after having browsed through these profiles, at least retrospectively. My imagination was a little bit too vivid. On the other hand, this country was a metaphor for my expectations, what - expected that would lie ahead. (But my main concern at the moment is how - will recover from this being shaken.)
By the way, it is the first time that - have been browsing these profiles of women from this country so extensively, before, - was still (more) trapped in this world of imagination. But it will be a long way to describe how this "l... expectation" exactly built up/developed.
First, - have to recover from this being shaken.
It is interesting how Facebook helped to normalize my expectations and imaginations/fantasies just now. Maybe, - should have browsed such profiles a year earlier and my imagination would not have developed so vividly (but - am not sure, - also remember that - was browsing similar profiles some months ago, but - don't remember when exactly, but - will upload my browsing history if it is technically feasible.)
So, the country is out now, but actually - have a strong headache for an entirely different reason.
Since the country is out now, - will hopefully soon be able to begin uploading the content of the editor files.
Retrospectively, - can only say that my expectations were unimaginable (retrospectively) and the visions that - got. - should have had them more in a general context of people instead of a particular country, but the imagination developed as it developed, - could not change it.
- have long thought about whether - should upload it like that, but it might be time (- am not sure). Since it is a personal blog, - could/should report what - did and what is moving me.
Important is that people are people and the visions and imaginations that - had in the second half of 2011 were for whole (wo)mankind (and the whole geographical/political background that - imagined was only (mainly?) a metaphor) and - am committed to this idea.
- still feel strange about posting this newest amendment to my blog entry, - also regret that - have somehow lost the connection (sensitivity, visions, thought transfer) to G-d for the last months (since about December 25), now, - would really need it in order to decide whether it is time to slowly but steadily come out ("hinausrücken") with what the world of my ideas is.
Maybe, this being shaken today German:ausgerechnet by the guy who brought me into "this" free church was a good trigger to increasingly begin to talk about my past expectations that - had towards this particular country.
The amount of l... that - felt/received (as some kind of energy) (including several visions) was tremendous and it was (indirectly) connected to this country in my imagination.
So, shall - press "Publish post" now? - will do it, although it is somehow daring. - will have to tell the whole course of (mostly inner) events.
ca. 23:40h: - have now decided that - will upload my newest editor file still today. - have read a part of it and - will have to comment at least one statement of it at the end. - also removed the mention of the country in order to allow more time to settle in. The title will be "editor file 2012-03-04". The file is very (comparably) interesting/insightful because it shows. Unfortunately (to my biggest grief), - have lost all similar files in September/October (for some reason that - don't want to explain yet, maybe it is explained in the text file that - will upload just now, - am not even sure, - did a quick search with the search functionality and could not find anything) which would give important additional clues about this time (no, not just additional clues, they would be "tremendously" (at least compared to what - think and especially feel now) important, given that the thought protocols have not been written and they would also show how - interpreted the interaction with the mouse cursor).
- now realize that - am increasingly releasing more and more.
23:56h: for a very short time (a fraction of a second), - was able to feel this kind of l... that - originally was able to feel, very strange, did - just remember it (- looked onto a picture of a w.... with which - would have to tell a lot, this picture was very important in one of the two nights after December 21) or was it an original re-feeling? this gives me hope, a little bit of hope that - might recover, but - don't expect it / reckon it (German: rechnen damit).
00:14h: another question is whether - should upload the content of this text file to this blog here or to lukasgirtanner.com. - will upload it here because it some kind of blog, although the information belongs actually to a big part to lukasgirtanner.com. Maybe, - will delete the file here again and upload it to lukasgirtanner.com.
00:18h: Here is also the description of my new Facebook group (and also the reason for founding it), - am not sure if it is visible on Facebook: "Come here and help the website http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/ to connect to real people. At the moment, the website http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/ is still isolated and hardly known by people and has a relatively low ranking on the search engine Google."
00:39h: when - will upload the contents of this text file, it will be a gigantic leap in transparency. But it is also a sad moment because the even much more important text files of Sept/Oct are lost (almost certainly).
00:45h: - will first upload it to a new page on lukasgirtanner.com. and only afterwards here.
00:57h: - feel bad/unsure again, - am really unsure if - should upload it, there is a lot of information in it and some is really new, it is a huge leap in terms of transparency for the moment, - am at the moment thinking if - should delete one particular line that - just read
01:16h: - have also a strong headache at the moment and skull buzzing/humming
01:18h: this video is particularly beautiful in the minute http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TongJJMgBeY 0:12, - have again and again listened to it.
02:26h: - am still awake, with a headache (this is even rhyming). - am still unsure whether to upload this text. for a very short time (maybe for two seconds, about half an hour ago), - could suddenly feel-remember how the nights in late September (early October?) were, - also did not sleep much then, but it was marvellous. It is absolutely not understandable to me how G-d can create such a state within a human, not telling it that it should care more about recording what it is thinking (because its thoughts are not read as it wrongly assumes) and forcing this human being afterwards to somehow trying to narrate everything. It would have been difficult to narrate it even in the moment, because the feelings surmounted all words, but afterwards where even the explicit thoughts (which can be worded) are forgotten, trying to recapitulate what - was thinking and feeling is virtually impossible.
02:32h: - have a very strange feeling. should - really upload what - have written? - am satisfied with the quality, this is not the problem, but it might be too early because it reveals too much. on the other hand, why wait? - am probably simply afraid that afterwards, - will run out of ideas or the rate of new ideas will drop considerably. - can then resort only to trying to narrate the last half a year or to extend these ideas. a question is also how thoroughly - should try to narrate the time period between about August 2010(beginning partially in May 2010) and about mid-August 2011 when - had the impression that - was "persecuted" or at least followed very closely (followed very closely is probably the better expression, but with a very strange twist that - don't want to narrate now, because it needs a whole/longer storyline). The feeling of being monitored and followed very closely was also the precondition how the expectation of unimaginable l... could build up in late August 2011, however, the extent and how this was really possible (and the countless coincidences (similar to the coincidences before) that reinforced the expectation) seems to be something like a miracle for me or at least unexplainable.
- tried to fall asleep "yesterday" (today) .
it is clear that ... forgotten
the dream to today, - have already largely forgotten respectively - don't (although it would be quite important, it was an interesting dream). The first dream, a very long and extended dream, was very interesting, but - have largely forgotten it. It was probably also connected to a country .
- woke up with a strong headache and - still have a strong headache, this is also what - expected after yesterday's being shaken. - am extremely sensitive to being shaken, much more than other people. - even complain when my mother B. is driving over a railway line (German:Bahnübergang) too quickly.
The headache is negatively affecting me, - make typing mistakes and am even less motivated to write.
How - motivate myself of continuing writing. Yesterday, - doubted and even somehow forgot why - am writing. This might be due to the fact that - had the impression that - am running out of ideas.
The headache is slowing me down seriously, - am just sitting in front of the computer and thinking, instead of just writing.
G-d is driving me, the l... that - felt and the visions that - was given, this is the reason for continuing. And another reason is that at the moment, - have nothing to do (actually, - should learn for an exam but the texts are so horribly (amendment from 10.03.2012: - should have written "strongly" or "clearly", not "horribly", because the word is too strong, but sometimes, it feels like that because - have the impression that my thoughts are at least for myself much more relevant and if - have to occupy myself too much with this content, it is relatively stressful respectively meaningless; end of the amendment of 10.03.2012) detached from any relevance for me that - cannot learn more than a few seconds each time.)
it is probably too early to upload the text in the editor file, - am still waiting, it is has to be a gradual process, actually, - should have stopped writing offline entirely (which is taking place now), then, - can retrospectively upload the text files.
the quest for the absolute is very important for me because like that, - can stand my existence, a very limited existence indeed. - already see the absolute (or some kind of percursor of it) in the attractiveness (or what - perceive as attractiveness) of w.... .
at the moment, - am again in "chaos mode" (what this means, compared to September/October), - will have to try to explain. Still, - have to bring myself to write because it is hardly possible to "get rid" of the chaos mode at the moment.
The core, everything starts from the baby (this is also what - thought yesterday before finally falling asleep). Yesterday, - also thought about that, that - should write much more about the relationship between a baby and a mother (Baby and Mother, actually), respectively what the unique wonderful qualities of a baby are in reality.
maybe, - should take a few Neurontin against the headache, but - have no Neurontin at home at the moment and then, - would stop writing respectively - am still able to write with the headache, although slowlier (or is it "more slowly"? - don't even have the energy to look it up at the moment, the headache is so stabbing (although changing every minute in intensity)).
In the future, - will have to tell this guy that it is not possible to touch me because it has already been the second time that this guy touches me that something happened, he has no (too little) awareness for my very high sensitivity.
- am looking at the pictures of all these beautiful w.... and am thinking how - can inform them about the unique traits/properties that a baby has and that everything can be developed out of the Baby.
always these decisions, for example whether - should change back to .
Luckily, the mouse cursor is moving again a little bit, although - am not sure if it is because of the keyboard.
It is clear that a guy like me who longs so much for connecting to people and their inner longing likes to be constantly followed/accompanied or at least the idea of it.
- will now upload the text and continue later on, but - am increasingly thinking now about changing/moving my blog to lukasgirtanner.com because there, the changes (versions) in between remain comprehensible, - am just afraid that - might one day no longer afford the server (this blog here could also be shut down one day) or that - am not connected enough there (which is probably not true). So, it is again a decision that - have to take, always these decisions, because the reality is so restricted.
(and - have forgotten much, - wanted to write other things here.)
Then, - went to bed, it was probably here, unfortunately - did not announce it here and - also forgot to write the time at the beginning of every section. on the next morning, - continued to write on this page here instead of opening a new page and - am not sure where the exact page break is.
- also missed an interesting woman because my mother B. sat nearby. Otherwise, - would have talked to her. She was dressed like an engineer (practical/functional clothing, backpack). Afterwards, - was very depressed because - didn't talk to her, maybe she would have been a key to developing early childhood robotics, at least - thought, maybe this expectation is exaggerated (it would be better because otherwise - might have missed a crucial opportunity).
In Zurich (maybe already before), - got the idea that - will walk around in the future with a sign/signboard (German: Schild) where the word "Baby" is written on it. The question at the moment is only how large this sign should be (A4 or A3?) and if - will try to print/"construct" (assemble?) it myself.
Actually, during the whole day, before being (slightly, but still, - am oversensitive) shaken by this collegue, - already imagined. Now, - have to take things more slowly.
- have also a new Facebook page, a page for lukasgirtanner.com, see http://www.facebook.com/lukasgirtannercom.
And - will probably upload the content of my editor file for the first time today.
But first (and now), - have to recover, my head feels like after a headbump. - hope that not too many brain cells have been negatively affected. (Already before (yesterday), - had slight problems with headaches and now, there is an additional reason for it.)
Thanks for moving the cursor slightly, - am not sure if it is you, but - would really appreciate it if it was the case.
Sorry, - should have written the you with uppercase letter, You. Now, the cursor is not moving anymore, it has stopped moving, sigh ;-(
- would like to write more about the w.... who - saw today. (Yes, - should write w...., this is the correct way of writing it, sorry, sl.... (better not write the latter out, at least not now...) .)
Today, - also mysteriously saw/encountered the "Chrusälchopf", but - did not dare to talk to him. - also was not sure if everything (2010...) with the Chruselchopf had been coincidental.
- had some sort of jerking movements several minutes ago, a clear sign that my brain has been affected by the sudden movements forth and back, a combination of the antipsychotic medication and the being (relatively slightly) shaken of today. (- am oversensitive to virtually everything, except wireless 11b/g radiation (- looked it up, it is IEEE 802.11).)
What would be next would be to describe the attractiveness of these women who - saw/encountered. Actually, especially before the being shaken, - planned to describe it. But maybe, first, - will upload the editor file, the latest editor file.
What is the most striking (- formulated it already in my head for myself, probably better than - try to express it now) is how arbitrary/discretionary (German: beliebig) encounters with people are. There are so many attractive women (sorry, w....) and - cannot meet or make the acquaintance (and there might also be men who might be interested in my thoughts and - don't know them.) The people who you actually meet are just "these people and not those other people who you missed" (OK/admitted, one should not think like that, see the next sentence.) These thoughts here do not fully comply with my feeling/thinking of 2011, because there, the people who encountered had a more fundamental meaning. No, - did not mean it like that, it is complicated to express. - am also totally inexperienced in terms of talking with people - did not know previously in the state that - am now in (which is an entirely different state compared to the second half of 2011, - especially think about Sept/Beginning-of-Oct 2011, the 12th of November and the two days after and the days before and on (and possibly shortly after) December 21.) What - tried to explain first was some kind of old (described in 2006) frustration or way of encountering people (especially w.... who make the impression on me that they are attractive) (amendment of 00:27h: some kind of (baby) boy in a candy shop, now knowing which candy to take, no, that's too simplified, it is about attractiveness and attractiveness is more complex, technically spoken (- should think about the realationship between l... and attractiveness and try to develop the topic also in terms of compliance with my thinking in September/October 2011), end of the amendment), combined with my new need to communicate and reach people.
amendment: - then thought about the possibility of connecting with everybody respectively how it would be possible to connect with everybody (- don't remember exactly what - thought respectively how - thought it in all the details unfortunately, - just remember that - had a strong urge to create some kind of universal connecting mechanism where no person is "left out" (it is clear that it would have to be on a voluntary base, very complicated to describe now (and - have to get into the mood of this afternoon in order to really feel and think/figure it out again).).)
amendment: - also realized that when a situation with a w.... becomes serious (when she is looking or talking back, which happened once today when it was unclear who would go to the door first.) - am also constantly afraid of rejecting a w.... with a look when she is suddenly looking positively at me, not a new topic.
amendment: but the most important is that babies have the opportunity to develop themselves fully together with their mothers and to live in a symbiotic relationship with their mother. - should not forget that. and in order to support that, robotics together with a lot of lovely animals should begin immediately/soon after birth and the babies should be allowed to remain a baby as much as possible. (- switched into the "baby mood" and because of that, - wrote the sentences above like that / did - mention it.)
- should also write about what happened to the philosowiki.org pages.
And most importantly, - should urgently begin to write (more) about what happened in the second half of 2011 (unfortunately, - have forgotten so much).
- will now do a speed reading through what - wrote in the editor before uploading it, it is a lot.
ah yes, this was what - wanted to write: - missed an important melody that for about an hour went through my head, - should have sung it onto the smartphone (better not mention the brand, although its microphone is really good/sensitive) in order to still have it now as some kind of melody memory protocol, because now - have forgotten the melody :-( (- thought that it is useless because - will not find out the melody, but - was unaware that without recording it at all, - will lose the memory of it, stupid.)
- did a speed reading and discovered some ideas that are too early to be uploaded.
update of the state of my health: - have a strong headache, astonishingly strong. For the past hour, - have been hopping from Facebook profile to Facebook profile of w.... from a country that - have been really focused on: - don't want to tell the name of the country yet, there has to be a time delay (OK, - already wrote it, my mistake, but - deleted it retrospectively, stupid, typically, - should have thought before about waiting, - will write it tomorrow: originally, just the name of the country stood here, it is typical of me that - am doing things in the wrong order). It is now time that - release my paranoia which was a l... paranoia. - have already talked in the free church about it but never mentioned the country before. Actually, it is a great/big misunderstanding, as - have now realized after having browsed through these profiles, at least retrospectively. My imagination was a little bit too vivid. On the other hand, this country was a metaphor for my expectations, what - expected that would lie ahead. (But my main concern at the moment is how - will recover from this being shaken.)
By the way, it is the first time that - have been browsing these profiles of women from this country so extensively, before, - was still (more) trapped in this world of imagination. But it will be a long way to describe how this "l... expectation" exactly built up/developed.
First, - have to recover from this being shaken.
It is interesting how Facebook helped to normalize my expectations and imaginations/fantasies just now. Maybe, - should have browsed such profiles a year earlier and my imagination would not have developed so vividly (but - am not sure, - also remember that - was browsing similar profiles some months ago, but - don't remember when exactly, but - will upload my browsing history if it is technically feasible.)
So, the country is out now, but actually - have a strong headache for an entirely different reason.
Since the country is out now, - will hopefully soon be able to begin uploading the content of the editor files.
Retrospectively, - can only say that my expectations were unimaginable (retrospectively) and the visions that - got. - should have had them more in a general context of people instead of a particular country, but the imagination developed as it developed, - could not change it.
- have long thought about whether - should upload it like that, but it might be time (- am not sure). Since it is a personal blog, - could/should report what - did and what is moving me.
Important is that people are people and the visions and imaginations that - had in the second half of 2011 were for whole (wo)mankind (and the whole geographical/political background that - imagined was only (mainly?) a metaphor) and - am committed to this idea.
- still feel strange about posting this newest amendment to my blog entry, - also regret that - have somehow lost the connection (sensitivity, visions, thought transfer) to G-d for the last months (since about December 25), now, - would really need it in order to decide whether it is time to slowly but steadily come out ("hinausrücken") with what the world of my ideas is.
Maybe, this being shaken today German:ausgerechnet by the guy who brought me into "this" free church was a good trigger to increasingly begin to talk about my past expectations that - had towards this particular country.
The amount of l... that - felt/received (as some kind of energy) (including several visions) was tremendous and it was (indirectly) connected to this country in my imagination.
So, shall - press "Publish post" now? - will do it, although it is somehow daring. - will have to tell the whole course of (mostly inner) events.
ca. 23:40h: - have now decided that - will upload my newest editor file still today. - have read a part of it and - will have to comment at least one statement of it at the end. - also removed the mention of the country in order to allow more time to settle in. The title will be "editor file 2012-03-04". The file is very (comparably) interesting/insightful because it shows. Unfortunately (to my biggest grief), - have lost all similar files in September/October (for some reason that - don't want to explain yet, maybe it is explained in the text file that - will upload just now, - am not even sure, - did a quick search with the search functionality and could not find anything) which would give important additional clues about this time (no, not just additional clues, they would be "tremendously" (at least compared to what - think and especially feel now) important, given that the thought protocols have not been written and they would also show how - interpreted the interaction with the mouse cursor).
- now realize that - am increasingly releasing more and more.
23:56h: for a very short time (a fraction of a second), - was able to feel this kind of l... that - originally was able to feel, very strange, did - just remember it (- looked onto a picture of a w.... with which - would have to tell a lot, this picture was very important in one of the two nights after December 21) or was it an original re-feeling? this gives me hope, a little bit of hope that - might recover, but - don't expect it / reckon it (German: rechnen damit).
00:14h: another question is whether - should upload the content of this text file to this blog here or to lukasgirtanner.com. - will upload it here because it some kind of blog, although the information belongs actually to a big part to lukasgirtanner.com. Maybe, - will delete the file here again and upload it to lukasgirtanner.com.
00:18h: Here is also the description of my new Facebook group (and also the reason for founding it), - am not sure if it is visible on Facebook: "Come here and help the website http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/ to connect to real people. At the moment, the website http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/ is still isolated and hardly known by people and has a relatively low ranking on the search engine Google."
00:39h: when - will upload the contents of this text file, it will be a gigantic leap in transparency. But it is also a sad moment because the even much more important text files of Sept/Oct are lost (almost certainly).
00:45h: - will first upload it to a new page on lukasgirtanner.com. and only afterwards here.
00:57h: - feel bad/unsure again, - am really unsure if - should upload it, there is a lot of information in it and some is really new, it is a huge leap in terms of transparency for the moment, - am at the moment thinking if - should delete one particular line that - just read
01:16h: - have also a strong headache at the moment and skull buzzing/humming
01:18h: this video is particularly beautiful in the minute http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TongJJMgBeY 0:12, - have again and again listened to it.
02:26h: - am still awake, with a headache (this is even rhyming). - am still unsure whether to upload this text. for a very short time (maybe for two seconds, about half an hour ago), - could suddenly feel-remember how the nights in late September (early October?) were, - also did not sleep much then, but it was marvellous. It is absolutely not understandable to me how G-d can create such a state within a human, not telling it that it should care more about recording what it is thinking (because its thoughts are not read as it wrongly assumes) and forcing this human being afterwards to somehow trying to narrate everything. It would have been difficult to narrate it even in the moment, because the feelings surmounted all words, but afterwards where even the explicit thoughts (which can be worded) are forgotten, trying to recapitulate what - was thinking and feeling is virtually impossible.
02:32h: - have a very strange feeling. should - really upload what - have written? - am satisfied with the quality, this is not the problem, but it might be too early because it reveals too much. on the other hand, why wait? - am probably simply afraid that afterwards, - will run out of ideas or the rate of new ideas will drop considerably. - can then resort only to trying to narrate the last half a year or to extend these ideas. a question is also how thoroughly - should try to narrate the time period between about August 2010(beginning partially in May 2010) and about mid-August 2011 when - had the impression that - was "persecuted" or at least followed very closely (followed very closely is probably the better expression, but with a very strange twist that - don't want to narrate now, because it needs a whole/longer storyline). The feeling of being monitored and followed very closely was also the precondition how the expectation of unimaginable l... could build up in late August 2011, however, the extent and how this was really possible (and the countless coincidences (similar to the coincidences before) that reinforced the expectation) seems to be something like a miracle for me or at least unexplainable.
- tried to fall asleep "yesterday" (today) .
it is clear that ... forgotten
the dream to today, - have already largely forgotten respectively - don't (although it would be quite important, it was an interesting dream). The first dream, a very long and extended dream, was very interesting, but - have largely forgotten it. It was probably also connected to a country .
- woke up with a strong headache and - still have a strong headache, this is also what - expected after yesterday's being shaken. - am extremely sensitive to being shaken, much more than other people. - even complain when my mother B. is driving over a railway line (German:Bahnübergang) too quickly.
The headache is negatively affecting me, - make typing mistakes and am even less motivated to write.
How - motivate myself of continuing writing. Yesterday, - doubted and even somehow forgot why - am writing. This might be due to the fact that - had the impression that - am running out of ideas.
The headache is slowing me down seriously, - am just sitting in front of the computer and thinking, instead of just writing.
G-d is driving me, the l... that - felt and the visions that - was given, this is the reason for continuing. And another reason is that at the moment, - have nothing to do (actually, - should learn for an exam but the texts are so horribly (amendment from 10.03.2012: - should have written "strongly" or "clearly", not "horribly", because the word is too strong, but sometimes, it feels like that because - have the impression that my thoughts are at least for myself much more relevant and if - have to occupy myself too much with this content, it is relatively stressful respectively meaningless; end of the amendment of 10.03.2012) detached from any relevance for me that - cannot learn more than a few seconds each time.)
it is probably too early to upload the text in the editor file, - am still waiting, it is has to be a gradual process, actually, - should have stopped writing offline entirely (which is taking place now), then, - can retrospectively upload the text files.
the quest for the absolute is very important for me because like that, - can stand my existence, a very limited existence indeed. - already see the absolute (or some kind of percursor of it) in the attractiveness (or what - perceive as attractiveness) of w.... .
at the moment, - am again in "chaos mode" (what this means, compared to September/October), - will have to try to explain. Still, - have to bring myself to write because it is hardly possible to "get rid" of the chaos mode at the moment.
The core, everything starts from the baby (this is also what - thought yesterday before finally falling asleep). Yesterday, - also thought about that, that - should write much more about the relationship between a baby and a mother (Baby and Mother, actually), respectively what the unique wonderful qualities of a baby are in reality.
maybe, - should take a few Neurontin against the headache, but - have no Neurontin at home at the moment and then, - would stop writing respectively - am still able to write with the headache, although slowlier (or is it "more slowly"? - don't even have the energy to look it up at the moment, the headache is so stabbing (although changing every minute in intensity)).
In the future, - will have to tell this guy that it is not possible to touch me because it has already been the second time that this guy touches me that something happened, he has no (too little) awareness for my very high sensitivity.
- am looking at the pictures of all these beautiful w.... and am thinking how - can inform them about the unique traits/properties that a baby has and that everything can be developed out of the Baby.
always these decisions, for example whether - should change back to .
Luckily, the mouse cursor is moving again a little bit, although - am not sure if it is because of the keyboard.
It is clear that a guy like me who longs so much for connecting to people and their inner longing likes to be constantly followed/accompanied or at least the idea of it.
- will now upload the text and continue later on, but - am increasingly thinking now about changing/moving my blog to lukasgirtanner.com because there, the changes (versions) in between remain comprehensible, - am just afraid that - might one day no longer afford the server (this blog here could also be shut down one day) or that - am not connected enough there (which is probably not true). So, it is again a decision that - have to take, always these decisions, because the reality is so restricted.
(and - have forgotten much, - wanted to write other things here.)
Then, - went to bed, it was probably here, unfortunately - did not announce it here and - also forgot to write the time at the beginning of every section. on the next morning, - continued to write on this page here instead of opening a new page and - am not sure where the exact page break is.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
05.03.2012 (doz_11b8-03-05)
2012-03-05, 00:00h: - have now switched to English. - will now have to ... forgotten ... probably - wanted to say that - have to because - have discovered new several pages and videos with children doing (relatively) early robotics, but not ultra early robotics as - promote it. (But the decision to write in English came earlier and independently, this is just a coincidence.) But what is clear: The subject is coming, it has not been forgotten since Seymour Papert. what has changed now that - write in English the dash too instead of the "I". But - will continue in English only, the era of me writing Swiss German is probably over. - will have to reform this additional effort.
- don't feel particularly comfortable when writing in English, it is not my mother tongue, it feels somehow strange for me. But Swiss German is understood only by a few people and High/Standard German is also difficult to write, at least at the moment, - also don't know why exactly, difficult to explain. It has also become like a foreign language for me, so - can instead directly use English.
- also miss the cursor movements, - would like to see more cursor movements.
00:12h: - have already written a lot offline, when will - finally have the guts/courage to upload it directly and without time delay (if ever)?
What is clear now even more (after the discovery), - will have to emphasize more the whole ideological (or at least ideas-/visions-based) overall picture because the missing link of early (no, actually only middle) childhood robotics is already done by other people.
- don't feel particularly comfortable when writing in English, it is not my mother tongue, it feels somehow strange for me. But Swiss German is understood only by a few people and High/Standard German is also difficult to write, at least at the moment, - also don't know why exactly, difficult to explain. It has also become like a foreign language for me, so - can instead directly use English.
- also miss the cursor movements, - would like to see more cursor movements.
00:12h: - have already written a lot offline, when will - finally have the guts/courage to upload it directly and without time delay (if ever)?
What is clear now even more (after the discovery), - will have to emphasize more the whole ideological (or at least ideas-/visions-based) overall picture because the missing link of early (no, actually only middle) childhood robotics is already done by other people.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
2012-03-02 (doz_11b8-03-02; base-30_272-3-02)
13:30h (ca.): - mues dringänd ä Feisbuuk-Siitä eröffnä für lukasgirtanner.com. Abär laidär mues - - au doo widär entschaidä für än Typ vo Siitä. Immär mues mä/frä sich entschaidä, das isch ächt schwirig. - han au realisiärt, dass - mee uf Änglisch schriibä sött. Hüt am Morgä han - än Erschiinig ghaa vo gradezue unhaimlichär Qualitäät (zumindäscht gmässä a däm was susch i dä letschtä zwai Mönät gloffä isch). Ä F... (jaa) isch - begegnäd. - bin au immär no unsichär wägä däm won - im letschtä Blog-Iitraag gschribä han, vilicht isch das z'vill gsii bezüglich Körsärbewegig usw., - bin au enttüüscht, dass sich dä Körsär im Momänt nid bewegt, - vämiss d'Bewegig seer (- bin gar nümä sichär, öb är sich scho susch bim Blog-Schriibä bewegt hät). Vilicht sött - alli Bezüüg uf d'Körsär-Bewegigä löschä. Nai, jetz bewegt är er sich wiidär liicht, abär nuur liicht, sporadisch.
Vor alläm sött - unbedingt mee usäm Septämbär/Oktoobär schriibä, was - dött durläbt han, am beschtä möglichscht L.....songs losä, grad so wiä jetz.
I should open a Facebook-page for lukasgirtanner.com (in order to have a pretext/reason for distributing the leaflets), but I have realized that there are several types of pages and I have to decide which one which is a difficult decision. I have also realized that I should write more in English. Swiss German is completely unintelligible for most people on the Internet. I should listen more often to l... songs in order to get into the "mood" of last late summer and early autumn and in order to be more able to narrate the "story" (events) of this time. I also regret to not be present at this baby and small children exhibition/trade show that takes place in Zurich Oerlikon today and tomorrow. Maybe, I could distribute leaflets there, but it is somehow too early (complicated/long to explain). If I lived nearby, I would try it. When I look at the audience in a music video, I again realize how much people have become used to standing still because of the school system and the sitting lifestyle, I can only emphazise how important it is that people move more, and this is possible thanks to early childhood robotics. Now, I have written a part in English that I have not written in Swiss German before. But I miss the cursor movements, at the moment, there is no movement at all, just at the moment.
13:46h (doz_11:3A_h; base-30: D:1G): - han hüt morgä au no vill offline gschribä. Nimmt wundär, wiä/wänn -s schaff, das ufäzladä (falls überhaupt). This morning, I wrote a lot offline. I am just wondering how/when I manage to upload it. Mouse cursor, please mooove!... ;-)
Vor alläm sött - unbedingt mee usäm Septämbär/Oktoobär schriibä, was - dött durläbt han, am beschtä möglichscht L.....songs losä, grad so wiä jetz.
I should open a Facebook-page for lukasgirtanner.com (in order to have a pretext/reason for distributing the leaflets), but I have realized that there are several types of pages and I have to decide which one which is a difficult decision. I have also realized that I should write more in English. Swiss German is completely unintelligible for most people on the Internet. I should listen more often to l... songs in order to get into the "mood" of last late summer and early autumn and in order to be more able to narrate the "story" (events) of this time. I also regret to not be present at this baby and small children exhibition/trade show that takes place in Zurich Oerlikon today and tomorrow. Maybe, I could distribute leaflets there, but it is somehow too early (complicated/long to explain). If I lived nearby, I would try it. When I look at the audience in a music video, I again realize how much people have become used to standing still because of the school system and the sitting lifestyle, I can only emphazise how important it is that people move more, and this is possible thanks to early childhood robotics. Now, I have written a part in English that I have not written in Swiss German before. But I miss the cursor movements, at the moment, there is no movement at all, just at the moment.
13:46h (doz_11:3A_h; base-30: D:1G): - han hüt morgä au no vill offline gschribä. Nimmt wundär, wiä/wänn -s schaff, das ufäzladä (falls überhaupt). This morning, I wrote a lot offline. I am just wondering how/when I manage to upload it. Mouse cursor, please mooove!... ;-)
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