10:30h: in between, - am almost completely paralyzed by the many possibilities of what to do and not (yet) to do. it would be good if - had a profession (for financial security), but - have none. my main goal is now to connect to people because - have realized that the website lukasgirtanner.com is hardly visited. on the other hand, - don't want to change old activities respectively taking resources away from old activities. the solution to all that is to remain a Baby (- am now writing it with uppercase letters). actually, only a partial solution in the short term because older activities will be replaced inevitably, maybe, they can be evolved retrospectively.
- also yesterday discovered with disappointment that the internet explorer browser is not saving all pages visited, - will also have to switch to Firefox as soon as possible (after the next restart of the computer) and it was a mistake (that - didn't realized until now) not to use Firefox during this crucial time in the second half of 2011 (provided Firefox is indeed keeping all visited sites in its history), because every bit of information would be needed now (but by far the biggest problem remains that - discarded the text files).
actually, the goal that - am trying to promote (not "trying to serve", this has a negative "aftertaste" (this word, - really had to look it up), no, maybe, one could use it too, but there is the risk of being not committed enough to promoting (no, maybe not a good idea to say that, because when - remember the second half of 2011, it would be compliant with it) or more generally "humbleling" (Swiss German: demüätlä)), or maybe - could have written it too) can be to "maximize l...". and this is a gigantic secret, but - am aligned with what - lived through in the second half of 2011. maybe (theoretically), even when my visions of September/October 2011 are wrong, probably everybody is subconsciously trying to follow this quest and more might be found out about l... (respectively this is very difficult, as - realize it now, because there is no univeral definition, so one might be forced to resort to mathematics or simply words or in the future also recorded/expressed feelings or simply "emotions").
- realize now how complicated it is to define l..., it is difficult, even impossible (for now). probably l... will also always stay ahead and never become comprehensible (German: fassbar). and again, - am forgetting the afterlife which was very important in September/October 2011.
a few minutes later (after having gone away from the computer), probably at around 11:00h: now, - am approaching "my real inner thoughts", no, what - am also thinking about, - should express it like that, this is the correct wording. being pampered by a universally attractive woman like a Baby (- even thought if it would be possible to be pampered by a man, but this was certainly not my primary thinking in the second half of 2011 and this was more a thought in terms of "technology" or/respectively the mere action; but there are links to secondary/additional thinking in the second half of 2011 (- should begin to write sho2011 or sho11b8)). if thought about eschatologically, but again, there is the question who pampers whom. (and again, mind also the "theory of the transformations", there are different "things" and "entities" and interests...)
and again, who develops an editor where one can see what was written when? because the way how - wrote the . but the much bigger problem is that - (probably) lost my text files from September/October let alone that - don't have a thought protocol of this time.
actually, it is a bad sign that - am writing in English and how little at the moment - miss the Swiss German, it shows how much - have already alienated from the thinking and feeling of autumn 2011. Because originally, - never imagined, no, it was difficult to imagine how - could report the events of autumn 2011 in another language ("writing technology", a crutch actually, not even a technology) than Swiss German.
- will now write a little bit about the theory of transformations. and - am again wondering how messy and complex my thoughts have become, this is not how - really think/thought, these are just written words.
- also had a somehow strange thought (after having woken up) that it would have . No, - had it already at it before falling asleep. There is an advantage "if - remain low under the radar", if my/- website is not read. (- thought a long time about it and had some kind of regret of having written too much because it might affect the events in the future respectively - am losing - (not "my", initially, - wrote that) "secrecy", no, not secrecy, but the fact that - am disconnected from the Internet (strange that - have to write it with uppercase letters) and possibly people, if everything goes out, my imagination or the line/development of new thoughts and feelings might also be affected)
Here again, it would have been interesting to see how the section was written.
not good is also if - have lost the mouse cursor movement companionship. what does it mean? again, a decision. it is not possible to have it and at the same time not have it. always these decisicions, the only hope is that one day, it will become possible to fulfill all the other possibilities, but maybe, this is the strictness of G-d that it ("it", complicated to explain and - have forgotten the original thoughts and feelings (they probably would have been indesribable anyway or at least difficult to describe)) does not allow it (that was a new thought combined with some kind of feeling that it might indeed be like that (the feeling quickly went away again) that suddenly came during the writing process).
(- have some problems/inhibitions (this word - also had to look up) writing "falling asleep" because at the moment, - am in a "progressive mode", too progressive probably, - should think more about what "falling asleep" or everyday vital functions mean)
in order to make clear what - mean with this amazing/describing "Baby" feeling, - would have to make a video with with beautiful music (but again, there is always the question of what is lost then if the other activities are not done anymore)
- should have begun earlier to write on the "transformations" page, - have forgotten what - wanted to write there. Now, it is 12:03h.
12:30h: - have been blocked for the past half an hour (- had an inner blockade).
- even thought about whether - should change the name of the blog from "dä Blog vom Schtrich" to "Blog of a Baby".
12:48h: Now, a thought protocol would have been interesting again. How - switched forth and back between different thoughts. Again, what - finally do/write seems very arbitrary (chaotic) to me and this inquiets/troubles/worries me. And - am writing very little in terms of amount of content at the moment. - still did not write on the Transformations page on lg.com.
12:51h: The question is: Do - have a duty? Do - have to contribute to the "course" of this gigantic universe with own ideas? And how and when? And why - am not immediately struggling more to get an education in a field of computer science since my past university studies seem to expire because -/I (here, - somehow (words are too slow to express what is going on inside - head) tentatively even choose the "I" additionally) am not learning for this exam?
(- also remembered a melody, and this time - was alert/quick-minded enough to record/sing it to my smartphone.)
----
17:48h: it is probably quite serious, my headache, it is still here, quite strong, after having woken up from an afternoon nap, it is still here (which is a bad sign), - probably have contracted some kind of more substantial whiplash injury yesterday. - don't know what to do now, this is rather difficult to live with it, at least just now. - am blaming/reproaching myself at the moment why - went that close to that guy, why - was so trusting, - should have stood at a greater distance from that guy or more aware that he could suddenly take my head between his hands and shake my head. He didn't mean it bad. - am just afraid of brain damage or - am at least worried that it happened. Maybe, such events will happen again. Maybe, it is also not a good idea to walk around with a sign where "Baby" is written on it as it was my idea because stranges might negatively react. - will now go eating fish (salmon) (- have virtually stopped eating meat) and then move the text of today to a new blog page.
17:58h: Actually, - owe this guy so much and now that, really a pity. But the head will recover, - am quite sure. It is just a pity that because of the headache, - didn't go to university today, otherwise - would probably have gone.
19:29h: - have now moved the content of the new day to a new page. My headache is so strong that - even thought about not writing the dozenal date designation anymore, at least today. 19:33h: Now, it has subsided again, it is changing every hour/minute. At the moment (as always), - am listening to music from YouTube. - am constantly (not costantly, but intermittently constantly) thinking how to contact people about my website; but - would have to make it clear (or merely try to express) in the personal conversations how important it is that a Baby can remain a Baby (as much as possible at least) and that its wonderful relationship with its mother is preserved (and even further developed) and that this is the main goal of robotics and the involvement of animals. (- wanted to write more (something additional), but - forgot it, possibly because of the headache.) - try it again: that children can keep their babiness (the qualities that they had when they were an infant). and that especially girls can develop their motherliness while at the same time keeping their qualities that they had when they were a Baby (amendment a few minutes later after having read it through again (- also thought about it when writing it directly but it was too much of being written, a typical example of how the thoughts are (almost?) always faster): fatherliness might also be developed, but it is less clear for me what it is, but that again is more an issue of September/October 2011). (it is difficult to describe because humans also have to become adults somehow, but to be able/allowed/supported to retain their baby-like (actually, Baby) qualities would open up many new chances, especially in terms of longing being fulfilled or maybe better/more adequately expressed the overall of l... (but that again is complicated and totally/completely unclear) increased.)
19:52h: - am concerned that - ate fish for last dinner. But since - like fish very much and - am concerned that might brain might be affected negatively by a lack of fish (but it is a mistake, - should also not eat fish). My mother (unfortunately) bought even meat (Salami) again, - am concerned that - might negatively affect the transformations (the whole theory behind is complicated and unclear) by participating at eating meat. On last Sunday (very strange that the days of the week are written in uppercase letter), - also ate meat at the free church, although relatively little.
20:05h: when thinking about the fastness/speed of thoughts, - also thought about masturbation fantasies (yes, now, the topic is coming too, - will have to write about it on lg.com) and how difficult it is to memorize and later write down the rapid succession of individual thoughts during masturbation fantasies. - just also regret of not having preserved the philosowiki.org content. - will have to try to reproduce this kind of thinking respectively these emotions of desire. But the problem is not only a problem of speed or memory, but even more of finding words for unexpressable/undescribable emotions. (this is also true, probably even more, for the expectations that - had in the second half of 2011.) (- slightly hesitated before uploading it, always these decisions that - have to take; not uploading it is also a decision.)
20:11h: and again, - need a time machine and actually that what - expected/assumes would be true (amendment: at least in terms of the thoughts and feelings transmitted by me, so at least unidirectionally true) because the amount of l... in it was so tremendous. - will try to describe it although my trying/striving will be stuporous/bumbling (not only because - have forgotten too much, but also because - am bad at imagining how exactly it (thoughts and feelings) were respectively could have been).
No comments:
Post a Comment