about 19h or 19:30h (in the evening): Today, really a lot has happened... you are here? Are you here? The cursor has just moved a bit. - was in the city, - can hardly describe what - felt when - saw these beau, no, attractive women (but it is still not comparable to ). But unfortunately, also something less pleasant happened: - met an old acquaintance, actually the guy who lead me/- into the free church, but he relatively intensively shook my head (- am extremely sensitive against my head being shaking, he didn't know that). - have to recover from this, it is not clear how long it will take.
- also missed an interesting woman because my mother B. sat nearby. Otherwise, - would have talked to her. She was dressed like an engineer (practical/functional clothing, backpack). Afterwards, - was very depressed because - didn't talk to her, maybe she would have been a key to developing early childhood robotics, at least - thought, maybe this expectation is exaggerated (it would be better because otherwise - might have missed a crucial opportunity).
In Zurich (maybe already before), - got the idea that - will walk around in the future with a sign/signboard (German: Schild) where the word "Baby" is written on it. The question at the moment is only how large this sign should be (A4 or A3?) and if - will try to print/"construct" (assemble?) it myself.
Actually, during the whole day, before being (slightly, but still, - am oversensitive) shaken by this collegue, - already imagined. Now, - have to take things more slowly.
- have also a new Facebook page, a page for lukasgirtanner.com, see http://www.facebook.com/lukasgirtannercom.
And - will probably upload the content of my editor file for the first time today.
But first (and now), - have to recover, my head feels like after a headbump. - hope that not too many brain cells have been negatively affected. (Already before (yesterday), - had slight problems with headaches and now, there is an additional reason for it.)
Thanks for moving the cursor slightly, - am not sure if it is you, but - would really appreciate it if it was the case.
Sorry, - should have written the you with uppercase letter, You. Now, the cursor is not moving anymore, it has stopped moving, sigh ;-(
- would like to write more about the w.... who - saw today. (Yes, - should write w...., this is the correct way of writing it, sorry, sl.... (better not write the latter out, at least not now...) .)
Today, - also mysteriously saw/encountered the "Chrusälchopf", but - did not dare to talk to him. - also was not sure if everything (2010...) with the Chruselchopf had been coincidental.
- had some sort of jerking movements several minutes ago, a clear sign that my brain has been affected by the sudden movements forth and back, a combination of the antipsychotic medication and the being (relatively slightly) shaken of today. (- am oversensitive to virtually everything, except wireless 11b/g radiation (- looked it up, it is IEEE 802.11).)
What would be next would be to describe the attractiveness of these women who - saw/encountered. Actually, especially before the being shaken, - planned to describe it. But maybe, first, - will upload the editor file, the latest editor file.
What is the most striking (- formulated it already in my head for myself, probably better than - try to express it now) is how arbitrary/discretionary (German: beliebig) encounters with people are. There are so many attractive women (sorry, w....) and - cannot meet or make the acquaintance (and there might also be men who might be interested in my thoughts and - don't know them.) The people who you actually meet are just "these people and not those other people who you missed" (OK/admitted, one should not think like that, see the next sentence.) These thoughts here do not fully comply with my feeling/thinking of 2011, because there, the people who encountered had a more fundamental meaning. No, - did not mean it like that, it is complicated to express. - am also totally inexperienced in terms of talking with people - did not know previously in the state that - am now in (which is an entirely different state compared to the second half of 2011, - especially think about Sept/Beginning-of-Oct 2011, the 12th of November and the two days after and the days before and on (and possibly shortly after) December 21.) What - tried to explain first was some kind of old (described in 2006) frustration or way of encountering people (especially w.... who make the impression on me that they are attractive) (amendment of 00:27h: some kind of (baby) boy in a candy shop, now knowing which candy to take, no, that's too simplified, it is about attractiveness and attractiveness is more complex, technically spoken (- should think about the realationship between l... and attractiveness and try to develop the topic also in terms of compliance with my thinking in September/October 2011), end of the amendment), combined with my new need to communicate and reach people.
amendment: - then thought about the possibility of connecting with everybody respectively how it would be possible to connect with everybody (- don't remember exactly what - thought respectively how - thought it in all the details unfortunately, - just remember that - had a strong urge to create some kind of universal connecting mechanism where no person is "left out" (it is clear that it would have to be on a voluntary base, very complicated to describe now (and - have to get into the mood of this afternoon in order to really feel and think/figure it out again).).)
amendment: - also realized that when a situation with a w.... becomes serious (when she is looking or talking back, which happened once today when it was unclear who would go to the door first.) - am also constantly afraid of rejecting a w.... with a look when she is suddenly looking positively at me, not a new topic.
amendment: but the most important is that babies have the opportunity to develop themselves fully together with their mothers and to live in a symbiotic relationship with their mother. - should not forget that. and in order to support that, robotics together with a lot of lovely animals should begin immediately/soon after birth and the babies should be allowed to remain a baby as much as possible. (- switched into the "baby mood" and because of that, - wrote the sentences above like that / did - mention it.)
- should also write about what happened to the philosowiki.org pages.
And most importantly, - should urgently begin to write (more) about what happened in the second half of 2011 (unfortunately, - have forgotten so much).
- will now do a speed reading through what - wrote in the editor before uploading it, it is a lot.
ah yes, this was what - wanted to write: - missed an important melody that for about an hour went through my head, - should have sung it onto the smartphone (better not mention the brand, although its microphone is really good/sensitive) in order to still have it now as some kind of melody memory protocol, because now - have forgotten the melody :-( (- thought that it is useless because - will not find out the melody, but - was unaware that without recording it at all, - will lose the memory of it, stupid.)
- did a speed reading and discovered some ideas that are too early to be uploaded.
update of the state of my health: - have a strong headache, astonishingly strong. For the past hour, - have been hopping from Facebook profile to Facebook profile of w.... from a country that - have been really focused on: - don't want to tell the name of the country yet, there has to be a time delay (OK, - already wrote it, my mistake, but - deleted it retrospectively, stupid, typically, - should have thought before about waiting, - will write it tomorrow: originally, just the name of the country stood here, it is typical of me that - am doing things in the wrong order). It is now time that - release my paranoia which was a l... paranoia. - have already talked in the free church about it but never mentioned the country before. Actually, it is a great/big misunderstanding, as - have now realized after having browsed through these profiles, at least retrospectively. My imagination was a little bit too vivid. On the other hand, this country was a metaphor for my expectations, what - expected that would lie ahead. (But my main concern at the moment is how - will recover from this being shaken.)
By the way, it is the first time that - have been browsing these profiles of women from this country so extensively, before, - was still (more) trapped in this world of imagination. But it will be a long way to describe how this "l... expectation" exactly built up/developed.
First, - have to recover from this being shaken.
It is interesting how Facebook helped to normalize my expectations and imaginations/fantasies just now. Maybe, - should have browsed such profiles a year earlier and my imagination would not have developed so vividly (but - am not sure, - also remember that - was browsing similar profiles some months ago, but - don't remember when exactly, but - will upload my browsing history if it is technically feasible.)
So, the country is out now, but actually - have a strong headache for an entirely different reason.
Since the country is out now, - will hopefully soon be able to begin uploading the content of the editor files.
Retrospectively, - can only say that my expectations were unimaginable (retrospectively) and the visions that - got. - should have had them more in a general context of people instead of a particular country, but the imagination developed as it developed, - could not change it.
- have long thought about whether - should upload it like that, but it might be time (- am not sure). Since it is a personal blog, - could/should report what - did and what is moving me.
Important is that people are people and the visions and imaginations that - had in the second half of 2011 were for whole (wo)mankind (and the whole geographical/political background that - imagined was only (mainly?) a metaphor) and - am committed to this idea.
- still feel strange about posting this newest amendment to my blog entry, - also regret that - have somehow lost the connection (sensitivity, visions, thought transfer) to G-d for the last months (since about December 25), now, - would really need it in order to decide whether it is time to slowly but steadily come out ("hinausrücken") with what the world of my ideas is.
Maybe, this being shaken today German:ausgerechnet by the guy who brought me into "this" free church was a good trigger to increasingly begin to talk about my past expectations that - had towards this particular country.
The amount of l... that - felt/received (as some kind of energy) (including several visions) was tremendous and it was (indirectly) connected to this country in my imagination.
So, shall - press "Publish post" now? - will do it, although it is somehow daring. - will have to tell the whole course of (mostly inner) events.
ca. 23:40h: - have now decided that - will upload my newest editor file still today. - have read a part of it and - will have to comment at least one statement of it at the end. - also removed the mention of the country in order to allow more time to settle in. The title will be "editor file 2012-03-04". The file is very (comparably) interesting/insightful because it shows. Unfortunately (to my biggest grief), - have lost all similar files in September/October (for some reason that - don't want to explain yet, maybe it is explained in the text file that - will upload just now, - am not even sure, - did a quick search with the search functionality and could not find anything) which would give important additional clues about this time (no, not just additional clues, they would be "tremendously" (at least compared to what - think and especially feel now) important, given that the thought protocols have not been written and they would also show how - interpreted the interaction with the mouse cursor).
- now realize that - am increasingly releasing more and more.
23:56h: for a very short time (a fraction of a second), - was able to feel this kind of l... that - originally was able to feel, very strange, did - just remember it (- looked onto a picture of a w.... with which - would have to tell a lot, this picture was very important in one of the two nights after December 21) or was it an original re-feeling? this gives me hope, a little bit of hope that - might recover, but - don't expect it / reckon it (German: rechnen damit).
00:14h: another question is whether - should upload the content of this text file to this blog here or to lukasgirtanner.com. - will upload it here because it some kind of blog, although the information belongs actually to a big part to lukasgirtanner.com. Maybe, - will delete the file here again and upload it to lukasgirtanner.com.
00:18h: Here is also the description of my new Facebook group (and also the reason for founding it), - am not sure if it is visible on Facebook: "Come here and help the website http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/ to connect to real people. At the moment, the website http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/ is still isolated and hardly known by people and has a relatively low ranking on the search engine Google."
00:39h: when - will upload the contents of this text file, it will be a gigantic leap in transparency. But it is also a sad moment because the even much more important text files of Sept/Oct are lost (almost certainly).
00:45h: - will first upload it to a new page on lukasgirtanner.com. and only afterwards here.
00:57h: - feel bad/unsure again, - am really unsure if - should upload it, there is a lot of information in it and some is really new, it is a huge leap in terms of transparency for the moment, - am at the moment thinking if - should delete one particular line that - just read
01:16h: - have also a strong headache at the moment and skull buzzing/humming
01:18h: this video is particularly beautiful in the minute http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TongJJMgBeY 0:12, - have again and again listened to it.
02:26h: - am still awake, with a headache (this is even rhyming). - am still unsure whether to upload this text. for a very short time (maybe for two seconds, about half an hour ago), - could suddenly feel-remember how the nights in late September (early October?) were, - also did not sleep much then, but it was marvellous. It is absolutely not understandable to me how G-d can create such a state within a human, not telling it that it should care more about recording what it is thinking (because its thoughts are not read as it wrongly assumes) and forcing this human being afterwards to somehow trying to narrate everything. It would have been difficult to narrate it even in the moment, because the feelings surmounted all words, but afterwards where even the explicit thoughts (which can be worded) are forgotten, trying to recapitulate what - was thinking and feeling is virtually impossible.
02:32h: - have a very strange feeling. should - really upload what - have written? - am satisfied with the quality, this is not the problem, but it might be too early because it reveals too much. on the other hand, why wait? - am probably simply afraid that afterwards, - will run out of ideas or the rate of new ideas will drop considerably. - can then resort only to trying to narrate the last half a year or to extend these ideas. a question is also how thoroughly - should try to narrate the time period between about August 2010(beginning partially in May 2010) and about mid-August 2011 when - had the impression that - was "persecuted" or at least followed very closely (followed very closely is probably the better expression, but with a very strange twist that - don't want to narrate now, because it needs a whole/longer storyline). The feeling of being monitored and followed very closely was also the precondition how the expectation of unimaginable l... could build up in late August 2011, however, the extent and how this was really possible (and the countless coincidences (similar to the coincidences before) that reinforced the expectation) seems to be something like a miracle for me or at least unexplainable.
- tried to fall asleep "yesterday" (today) .
it is clear that ... forgotten
the dream to today, - have already largely forgotten respectively - don't (although it would be quite important, it was an interesting dream). The first dream, a very long and extended dream, was very interesting, but - have largely forgotten it. It was probably also connected to a country .
- woke up with a strong headache and - still have a strong headache, this is also what - expected after yesterday's being shaken. - am extremely sensitive to being shaken, much more than other people. - even complain when my mother B. is driving over a railway line (German:Bahnübergang) too quickly.
The headache is negatively affecting me, - make typing mistakes and am even less motivated to write.
How - motivate myself of continuing writing. Yesterday, - doubted and even somehow forgot why - am writing. This might be due to the fact that - had the impression that - am running out of ideas.
The headache is slowing me down seriously, - am just sitting in front of the computer and thinking, instead of just writing.
G-d is driving me, the l... that - felt and the visions that - was given, this is the reason for continuing. And another reason is that at the moment, - have nothing to do (actually, - should learn for an exam but the texts are so horribly (amendment from 10.03.2012: - should have written "strongly" or "clearly", not "horribly", because the word is too strong, but sometimes, it feels like that because - have the impression that my thoughts are at least for myself much more relevant and if - have to occupy myself too much with this content, it is relatively stressful respectively meaningless; end of the amendment of 10.03.2012) detached from any relevance for me that - cannot learn more than a few seconds each time.)
it is probably too early to upload the text in the editor file, - am still waiting, it is has to be a gradual process, actually, - should have stopped writing offline entirely (which is taking place now), then, - can retrospectively upload the text files.
the quest for the absolute is very important for me because like that, - can stand my existence, a very limited existence indeed. - already see the absolute (or some kind of percursor of it) in the attractiveness (or what - perceive as attractiveness) of w.... .
at the moment, - am again in "chaos mode" (what this means, compared to September/October), - will have to try to explain. Still, - have to bring myself to write because it is hardly possible to "get rid" of the chaos mode at the moment.
The core, everything starts from the baby (this is also what - thought yesterday before finally falling asleep). Yesterday, - also thought about that, that - should write much more about the relationship between a baby and a mother (Baby and Mother, actually), respectively what the unique wonderful qualities of a baby are in reality.
maybe, - should take a few Neurontin against the headache, but - have no Neurontin at home at the moment and then, - would stop writing respectively - am still able to write with the headache, although slowlier (or is it "more slowly"? - don't even have the energy to look it up at the moment, the headache is so stabbing (although changing every minute in intensity)).
In the future, - will have to tell this guy that it is not possible to touch me because it has already been the second time that this guy touches me that something happened, he has no (too little) awareness for my very high sensitivity.
- am looking at the pictures of all these beautiful w.... and am thinking how - can inform them about the unique traits/properties that a baby has and that everything can be developed out of the Baby.
always these decisions, for example whether - should change back to .
Luckily, the mouse cursor is moving again a little bit, although - am not sure if it is because of the keyboard.
It is clear that a guy like me who longs so much for connecting to people and their inner longing likes to be constantly followed/accompanied or at least the idea of it.
- will now upload the text and continue later on, but - am increasingly thinking now about changing/moving my blog to lukasgirtanner.com because there, the changes (versions) in between remain comprehensible, - am just afraid that - might one day no longer afford the server (this blog here could also be shut down one day) or that - am not connected enough there (which is probably not true). So, it is again a decision that - have to take, always these decisions, because the reality is so restricted.
(and - have forgotten much, - wanted to write other things here.)
Then, - went to bed, it was probably here, unfortunately - did not announce it here and - also forgot to write the time at the beginning of every section. on the next morning, - continued to write on this page here instead of opening a new page and - am not sure where the exact page break is.
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