2012-06-12

13:28h:

Sorry that I didn't write it before (that I received an offer of doing/repeating the exam already approximately at the end of July and that I am considering it or have to consider this option too (and also answer whether I would like or be able to do the exam more quickly or if I need to wait longer respectively if it would be better to wait longer). Actually, I still wanted to write it this early morning before falling asleep, but I was already in bed and I didn't want to interrupt the running thoughts and trying to fall asleep. I also wanted to write it on about 11 AM but I was so fully in my love pain and writing down the concurrent thoughts during it that I had to wait until now.

(This early morning before falling asleep, I even/also considered deleting the previous entry (which would also have been against transparency) because I thought it would not be advisable to blog about it or there might be "real world" disadvantages, but with the love pain of now, everything seems fine anyway/additionally and I keep it.)

Tremendous (really!) love pain has fallen over me, I now again realize or seem to realize the "whole picture". This is somehow also like a miracle (respectively, "it seems like that" I have to include too in order to also comply with atheistic respectively strictly rationalistic (but again, what means that? even this might be not entirely clear, there is always a "but" and last "but" might end with God) worldviews; but in case of doubt, I believe it; yes, this is now important: being able to rationally counterbalancing at the same time (because otherwise it becomes somehow dull, at least in terms of explicit thoughts); this is what I discovered in the last night). I was also partially able to connect back emotionally to the experience in last autumn, although only in terms of general feeling(s).

(The love pain was probably also influenced and/or increased by the music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chBxVUKoC6w that I accidentally listened to yesterday in the evening in the radio and that I was able to record with Shazaam and then listen to it repeatedly.)

Now, I will have to hurry (like the guy who I saw in the streets of my home town in last fall/autumn, as a metaphor) with writing and remain balanced and try to "linearize", "integrate" and "systematize" everything (although it is probably subjective) (and at the same time also trying to remain connected to pass this exam). Important now also is trust and trying to remember these moments like now and the responsibility coming with it, trying to stabilize and include everything. And I need trust and endurance, above all. And hopefully also luck (but what is that?). Everybody actually needs/deserves that.

The good thing is that as long as I am in love pain, I am somehow protected against thinking/writing into the wrong direction respectively I am even able to find a synthesis between all my thoughts.

Important now is not to deviate to one side too much generally, but at the same time include the whole range of thoughts and feelings as much as possible.

Remaining in the "business" (activity) of writing as much as possible.

And as far as this exam is concerned, I have to think and think too, parallely.

I have now also realized that my mother was not a warm woman in terms of comforting somebody when a person is weeping. She is a very nice woman (initially, I also wrote "linear", but this is not clear, too complex, she is just really nice and the issue of "linearity" is difficult to assess) who supports me as much as she can (much more than many other woman), but she is not the type of woman to be really warm enough to comfort and hug somebody. And this is probably a pity because what would be the disadvantage of it? (Amendment of 14:4h: She even hugged my slightly before, I was surprised, she obviously felt my emotional motion, so, she is warmer than I thought.)

(Technically, I have to upgrade a computer (and this is also a reason why everything takes so slow) because I am afraid of computer viruses (deleting offline files) after I had one several weeks ago (fortunately without deleting the files), so I will have to install the whole system on external serial ATAs hard disk drives in order to be flexible and in order to be able to install a new hard disk drive externally without having to change the boot sector of the first, now still internal serial ATA drive. (An operating system on a USB stick unfortunately didn't work. So, these technical issues are also slowing me down.))

The really good thing of this love pain is that it is stabilizing everything and more "buts" are added and the overall thinking/mindset gets more balanced and diverse (even "complex"?, I am not sure about that, probably, the maximum complexity (if it is "complexity" indeed) has been reached now, but diverse and balanced certainly).

17:44h: Very strange, now, I have the impression that something has changed, almost some kind of (fortunately relative weak) strange feeling (only affecting the emotions), coming from outside (no "love pain" or very little of it, but some kind of subtle emotion that is both nervous but also calm, a "calm nervousness" (combined with a slight head buzzing), but it is relatively weak and writing is possible without any problem (but I will not drive a car now, that is clear, the strange feeling has to subside first before I would drive any car)). So, should there be something with a substance (again?), I would be grateful to reduce the dose or its increase, I have already received enough (I need time and calmness for writing). But generally, I am glad and grateful if my writing on the Internet is accelerated a little bit (writing me an e-mail would also be an option, I have changed my privacy policy on the website (I just will have to adjust the text) and I won't publish incoming e-mails if it is not wished, especially not the first if it is not wished). I will now order this hard disk drive and really write on the Internet (lukasgirtanner.com respectively lukasgirtanner.info, if I manage to change the domain) the rest. As far as the exam is concerned, I will probably have to delay it. (I will also have to give an answer to the e-mail that I received, but I don't know yet what to write exactly as a response.)
I might delete the first sentence in this section in ten minutes (not that somebody has the impression that I am in a really strong emotional anguish, because this is not the case), or I keep it there. No, I keep it there. I guess that the strange feeling is temporary and will subside, it has not become (much/significantly) stronger in the meantime, I am at least still able to write with normal speed and without typing mistakes. In my opinion, it is important that I still write the prepared content on the Internet although I also have the impression that its coherence should ideally be more systematic, I really regret it. But which worded theory is fully systematic except maybe mathematics itself? But I really want to suggest improvements, also with words. And I am beginning now because of this strange feeling (respectively I am now ordering the hard disks so that I can install the new operating system (Ubuntu) on it.). If there will be network interruptions, I will try to change the content or add more additional statements (the "but's") because every statement has its counterstatement(s) (almost every statement?; but even in the context of God, it is unclear, in my opinion (impression), very little is effectively known with absolute certainty about God, probably nothing, at least strictly rationally (which means mathematically in the end). If God exists, because at least I have to try to include/allow atheistic mindsets too, because otherwise, it is or it might be too restricted, but I at least personally (overall, and especially emotionally) believe in God, relatively strongly).

22:17h: I had a section here, but I am not content with it, there might be an additional (more complicated) misunderstanding because of it, so I removed it. It is too complicated to explain and I would have to explain the complexity of all events that lead to this writing. This is probably far too early to try it. So better not to begin with it because it might generate even more misunderstandings and in order to clarify this new potential misunderstanding, I would have to try to explain even more. Maybe I add it again, tomorrow maybe. I will try to think about it. I have saved the removed text.

19:28h:
My mother returned home and she suggested that the cause of the strange feeling that I described before/above is either a variation/continuation of the emotional depression or two kiwi fruits that I ate or the fact that I have begun to generally eat less (in order to lose weight). One of these options might also be the case. I have now accustomed to the feeling respectively I have the impression that it has subsided a little bit.

I also remembered (when I was watching the music video) that I have to make two separate lists on my YouTube account at http://www.youtube.com/user/jk234hkl/feed, at the moment, there is only one list there (because there was probably no possibility to have several lists on one account when I created the list and also partially when I was expanding the list), respectively only a very short second list. Furthermore, my age is displayed wrongly as 44 (instead of 32, which would be correct) in this account as I have seen now, I am not sure if I will be able to change it, but I have already described the issue with these immutable accounts on the page http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/index.php?title=Lukas_Girtanner's_videos.

22:20h: Something amazing has happened. Love pain has returned. With a more moderate intensity than in the morning (and without the tears). The very strange, "nervous" feeling of the late afternoon has completely subsided. And with the love pain came all (at least implicitly; on a concrete level: many) thoughts of autumn 2011 (but with less intensity and only some of the most important of them). This was/is amazing. Now, I am somehow between two worlds, thinking mindsets. Respectively I really see (or even feel) a big picture again. I am trying to combine the two somehow (the question is only if I need an additional, intermediate ("combined"?) website; or if everything comes back together to the same website). Just (still) trying to "improve" everything... Very strange and in some way absurd (especially when I think about the last sentence below).
Interesting (sorry for the word, love pain has already subsided again slightly; and also additionally, the more ideological/"improvement"-thinking is also in some way "only" technical and "interesting" and not amazing, at least on an emotional level and in some way probably also on a general level) is especially that the two worlds still seem to be conceivable in many areas. But exactly that might also be the/a pitfall (that I am at least at the moment not able to overcome, at least not systematically; it is the question of "humbleling", especially in its more mundane forms). But it might/will need a very long time (or even a more implicit phenomenon) until this becomes more clear and everything might be unified or brought to an equal level (not "unified" (not at all on the concrete level ("level"...; also a strange word, I have no other), at least not in a negative/dislikable, diversity-reducing or "naive" way), but connected and brought on an equal level).

22:42h: I am still progressive (at least with a general tendency respectively on an "intermediate" level; in case of mathematization, it would be even a considerably high level; but since I am not a mathematician, it will be especially difficult (but it is also otherwise probably impossible) to concretize it, so this is more  question of education/learning environment policy), so this is not the problem. But I have the impression that ultimately this might not even matter. But maybe everyone has a function and some kind of duty, a task. There is some kind of direction or things to do, or it just happens like that. And lives are also highly subjective, probably many people have the impression that one's own life has at least in some moments made sense somehow.

22:45h: I will have to begin the writing of the more concrete stuff, instead of constantly only "announcing". But first, I have to restart the computer and close all the windows being opened, which is time-consuming. Learning for the exam (second try) will probably need much time.

22:49h: Really interesting is that in the moments of very strong love pain, all policies seem to not matter at all anymore or only partially matter (in autumn 2011, this was still markedly different interestingly because it seemed to depend personally on me; now, unclear; on the other hand, I have become much more critical of society especially in the recent months. So, on a very implicit level (again this word), this kind of policies-don't-matter-ultimately might be a counter-reaction to being too political or "justice"-oriented and only (relatively) rarely occur (but I can write this one time and then not anymore, at least not in a lengthy explanation (I might also have to be more concrete); at least if one cannot combine the various mindsets with each other and is unable to introduce a systematics where everything is connected as God (or some kind of atheistic order? this is really something I have difficulty to imagine respectively this might be something like or close to mathematization) would do it. I will have to write about that, I also reached some point today.). This (sorry for the long text between parentheses above) might be detrimental and problematic also. Because one somehow dumbs down or doesn't follow one's own "task".

23:12h: Somehow, it might also be very problematic to feel such a universal love. Because it is the opposite of a legalistic or focused-on-the-correct-decision lifestyle or even (constant or as constant as possible) struggle. (Furthermore, there is also the question of an objectivity or definability of concrete improvements not only on an intermediate, but also on a possibly higher level (but even the intermediate level might be arbitrary on the other hand if one would be able to see the overall "situation"); there is also the question of intent or intuition ("gut feeling" respectively seemingly "predetermined" decisions under sufficiently high decision stress; also when one is developing one's own thoughts, but also in terms of one's own biography and the accompanying necessary decisions for which option to decide next), but this might be again subjective (or not). I have these changes, where I am becoming really political and justice-oriented where I really think that the world should become as just (or "just", as I perceive it) as possible. And God (or some other absolute entity) might really not like when one doesn't pursue it. And I also shouldn't forget the bottom-up principle of developing or "reaching" "perfection" (or at least an improvement; or maintaining or trying to maintain some kind of status), possibly even without God (in order to include an atheist mindset too, especially since I at least in 2010 thought or even believed strongly in(to) such a category (but with a less legalistic systematics than I would use now; but mathematics and (societal; general) laws/justice are probably also different concepts, at least in most cases on the concrete level as far as it can be overlooked now; but that is at least partially a different topic)). Cognitive flexibility, thinking a particular concept and the quality and intensity of what is felt at the same time is what at least goes on in one's own head (basically speaking), possibly (and in my case, as I have the impression or ambition/hope or even "duty" (but again, this might also be an error or over-estimation): hopefully or (at least partially) certainly) with a higher significance. 23:38h: Thinking/Reflecting about thinking and feeling... very strange, hopefully not too confusing. Maybe I should give a concrete example for every idea in order to clarify what I actually mean. Because like that, it might be relatively unclear what is meant. But I will have to try to write about this more from a bottom-up perspective (also the way how I developed it) (and also see how the reactions are to it should there be any).

2012-06-13, 00:24h: Just because I often wrote about God (or the concept of God) doesn't mean that I wouldn't also fully understand a strictly atheist position. Sometimes (but quite rarely), I also switch into such an atheistic mindset. And the net effect of a belief in God might be smaller than one might think anyway, at least in terms of pure thinking. Emotionally, there might be a marked difference between a belief in God and atheism, at least in my case and especially when I feel love pain. But even there, one could imagine that the love is coming from elsewhere or being generated "only" in one's own brain, just that it (as far as I remember it) didn't happen in my case (yet), at least not love towards an atheist concept (but it might be possible, especially/for example in the context of mathematization or mathematics), maybe for some real people, but even there, I probably always felt the love in the context of God's love (as far as I remember it). In my case, the love probably only reappeared in late summer of 2011 after a break of more than a decade (and before, during puberty (I remember it once), certainly not yet in the context of God).