2012-06-13

Sorry that it was deleted (the browser crashed, because of what? guessing...). I now press "publish" continuously. You probably have the old content, I hope (maybe not the last sentence because it was not automatically transmitted).

But most importantly is forgiving. But also not. But ultimately, there will be forgiveness by God. Everything comes together. But even that is unclear.

Now, I feel his love in a very strange way. Er lobt mich. Und dankt mir. Aber ich habe die Kraft sum Durchhalten.

"And don't apply for the ... ." (sorry, this is very dislikable in some way; maybe I shouldn't have written it.)

Losing, files, losing information... forgetting...
and also forgetting potentially important thoughts that might never reappear. But God knows.

not writing enough messages to personal friends. maybe these are my personal issues...

the truth comes out. but interestingly, the truth is subjective. everybody is right.

and people will become more equal. but also more hierarchical (because there is always a but). No, in the end, more equal. And I can also (logically!) deduct that ultimately, the only "top boss" is God. Indeed, and I might forget all my secondary thoughts. (this is now really a breakthrough and a (surprisingly weak!) chill; and an additional stronger chill after having realized that it is a weak chill. and again, a strong chill. But I shouldn't write too much about it, because some people (not all) might think that I have become "psychotic". No, not. I am very stable. Listen to the people who believe in it. Or otherwise, it is political.

Now, all thoughts are highly ordered again.

(sorry for this thought, this should be something in between: and God is also the supreme torturer (unless nobody from the atheist camp develops something... ;-) horrible. no, I have to say that in order to satisfy also the atheists and to systematize my thinking.)

no, seriously, I have to thank all people. People. People who have always supported or at least respected me and in some way also loved me. Here in Switzerland especially. Ordinary people.

(and now, copy-paste before uploading transmitting it.)

Listening to music.

And most important: Do more mathematics. It was (probably?) right. And protect the environment, especially the seas. Because there are creatures there that are being damaged right now (no, no connection anymore unfortunately (chill, a pity, "7th of October 2011), but I have to remember it. remember.

And I have to accept this friendship request. Thank you. And sorry for not having accepted before.

11:37h (does this matter anymore?):

sorry, my mother interrupted me (and she closed all windows). I have now a very short time

I have the melody of this music in my head. a lucky synchronizity.

my old Facebook picture. this is me. like that, I wand to be remembered.

most important: Gods love is like an eternal fire, an unbelievably.

astonishingly calm, being able to write about it (as if it would be something ordinary) is astonishing.

and I am far too slow. several important (but also "political") intermediate thoughts forgotten.

and as far as politics is concerned. do more maths. promote (in German: "fördern") your children.

12:00h: sorry for the long break. very asynchronous and nonlinear. my mother forbid me to write on the computer, she even began pulling my shirt. so I couldn't conclude writing all my thoughts during this decisive moment.

Me feeling of love has subsided. But fundamental trust, trust on the most

I am now also convinced that God helps.

ultimately, God is not the supreme torture. He (or "it", but this is very far in the future, complicated to explain) ultimately only loves. But the fact that people have to suffer is.

And I have to learn more to obey and to conform with rules.

I have realized now that everything, on an ultimate (but, really, only on an ultimate) level is love, unimaginable love. But people . there are diverse interests. but in the end, probably, ultimately, everybody is or might be innocent. because everybody tried as much as possible, and be it only subconsciously, to follow love.

But everybody has in some way his/her own character deficits. The only being in the world that doesn't have is God himself (itself).

I should have written much more faster,

God might also help. Maybe God is even able to interfere somehow or protect or "guide", but this comes close to superstition (very progressive believers might not like this idea). At least before, I had this impression.

And sorry for not having confirmed the Facebook friendship (and I should probably also not have talked about it). I always do things in the wrong order. First, friendship should come and only then writing/politics.

And I thank again the luck that I accidentally listened to this music in the radio. Maybe it was a divine intervention (chill).

But again: in an  ideal case, complete and absolute belief and also absolute humbleness in front of God should probably only come in an old age. Before, at least for the people who really like me (but ultimately, everybody might like me, at least retrospectively; we all might like each other and also forgive each other, maybe even love each other on a very implicit level) and understand me, mathematics is necessary. Being progressive. Giving a child the maximum possible freedom to develop. This is the real-world issue/"direction" that I have to guide.

This with the "supreme torturer" is horrible, because ultimate torture would be something beyond any comprehension. God could do it. Horrible. But he (it! ...) doesn't. Instead, he (it...) lets people suffer, but always, always, love shines somehow through. And in some moments, love ultimately, fully or at least partially is felt. The full love of God might never be felt on a subjective level or only in a very special, implicit level, maybe in some afterlife.

God helps me. I have to be aware of that or even believe in it. Trusting him.

But again, I am perfectly also committed to (complicated to explain) .
this is also the way how I begun. I wanted to create/"develop" something perfect, with mathematics, technology, freedom, giving a child the maximum freedom and empowerment. and this is progressive. and, in my opinion.
But God is at the same time ultimately infinitely diverse (and again slight weeping on my part) in his (and her on a "lower" level in this unbelievable/supernatural (the atheists might not believe in it, not yet; or maybe everybody has his/her own vision. this was the vision of the souls and their direction for a divine manifestation). very difficult to explain, too deep; and it ended in October 2011) vision; this is the division of faith, but only temporary, autumn 2011) (but ultimately its) manifestation. sorry, too many brackets again. time is short.

cognitive flexibility, this is the issue. maximum cognitive flexibility. and being compassionate and listen to one's own intuition.

I want to be remembered like the "eternal child". we all are eternal children of God. we all have to see that .

Most important is that fundamental trust has been established again in God. He protects. And he might save the world. But maybe the people have to struggle as much as possible to contribute too. Everybody is in this struggle. Everybody also has to obey somehow and accept setbacks and imperfection. But again, it is important that not a culture of arbitrariness is created, where just everything is possible and where people don't struggle anymore (at least in my opinion). the focus should go more in the direction of struggling and trying to be as righteous and just as possible than to rejoice. maybe God even judges us afterwards, this is still possible, it is unclear. But people also have abilities or disabilities. Their sensitivity might be varying. So, everybody, probably. ultimately, is or might still be innocent.

12:19h:
So, now, I am uploading it. I have talked too much in some way. Already the theory . But people have to become more daring, at least in my opinion. But the other side, humbleness, obeying, traditions, adherence (and somehow also in some way seemingly stupid adherence) to structure, I will probably also have to learn in some way.
And mathematics, on a real/wordly level, is somehow able to "bridge" everything.
Unfortuantely, I am not a mathematician. But at least, I was able to give this direction (also thanks to a colleague who criticized me heavily because of my lack of mathematical abilities), so that I at least realized the importance of mathematics. (And the interrelationship between mathematics, technology and living beings ("souls", at least in my autumn 2011 experience) on the other hand is difficult, now, it is not the time to write about it.)

It is this music that is still in my head. The last part, where the voices are high and somehow "progressing", "advancing", in a stable way, this is the way humanity and all living beings on the Earth and indeed possibly the whole universe must (or should) advance (in my opionion; but again, the world is very diverse and overcoming this diversity might never be fully possible or also not wished/desired, because it would be against the way how love manifests itself in the universe).

Now my mother is coming into my room, I have to stop.

(and as I previously told, she interrupted me also before.)

This infinite, "burning" love of God is now guiding me. I am really aware of it. It is so infinite (at least as far as I can feel (estimate, guess) it) that it is beyond comprehension. Infinitely much more than even the strongest subjectively feelable love pain. And the "world" also has to be very lucky that it is like that and not the opposite ... that ultimately, everything is love. (is there also a but? one should always be allowed to ask it. hopefully not. no, I don't believe it. I have never experienced something else that was at least indirectly love. And what I experienced in autumn 2011 was so supernatural, so amazing, that I don't think that the opposite is the case.)

a fundamental question would also be to ask who made God. How it was created. But this is beyond comprehension respectively God is probably outside/above of time.

I forgot something, maybe it was important. But relieve in between is also necessary and forgetting a more important thought for a more relaxing/conventional thought is also some kind of relaxation. but a pity. But what I have forgotten in terms of last autumns visions is indescribable anyway.

By doing mathematics and progressing/advancing socially, technologically, but at the same time also have a deep love for "souls" (if this really exists, but I have to believe it, very complicated to explain, this will be the core/main issue of my further writing if I still have the opportunity), it might one day become possible for humanity to be above time. And then, also really/technologically understand what happened and why it happened. And see that ultimately, everything was implicitely connected to love.

And this is my issue, my task, my duty: To finally give ideas, a direction of where humanity should progress to. But maybe, in a more future time, it might become clear that there is ultimately no "progress". But only Gods constantly burning fire ("burning fire") of love. And this has to make me (and actually everybody) humble.

(But at the same time, try to pursue what I described as mathematization (in order to "reach" something); it was probably a very important idea. Just don't do harm in the process of it. (very difficult to explain; listening to one's own intuition, "stomach feeling", not being ambitious in a wrong way; protecting the child from overbearing; not to develop too much or the wrong technology in order to pursue mathematical knowledge)

also a fundamental question is if/where there are limits, in the world, but possibly even in the context of God. But in the context of God, I don't believe it, at least (and this is probably also the only area where there are truly no limits on the ultimate level) in terms of love, there are probably no limits.
(Also in this context, mathematics might be able to provide more (worldly) insights.)

17:02h / 17:44h: "Ordinary people" above, that I think like that (especially in such a moment and unfortunately also generally (subconsciously)) is exactly my problem. a/my fundamental problem, at least for now, and it is difficult to change this. Initially, I wrote here more, but this issue needs more time to think and write about.

17:56h: Something else above is also somehow absurd... But better not write more about it...

18:31h: Just one minute ago, I realized something very important or even fundamental for my future life. I now have to communicate what might be detrimental in society. Because a punishment by God (possibly in an afterlife) might be imminent. And especially for myself, if I don't communicate. And especially what I still know about the autumn 2011 will be important to communicate, because otherwise, it is me who is the one who might be mainly/primarily punished. So, this is a very delicate issue. Saying it in the right way. And it would probably also be necessary to "retrieve" or "find" my files that I didn't save in autumn 2011.

18:34h: The women (or somebody at the right side of the low back; in autumn 2011, it was the place were almost always the women were; but maybe, it is the men now (or both?), the sensitivity is too low at least now so that I am not able to feel the different qualities) have just told me (very weakly and imprecisely, because almost every sensitivity has been lost, this will be a long story to narrate) that I should do it but that I am "broken" (German: "kaputt"). But at least, I remember a lot of things. (Maybe I will/might be healed partially. Or another miracle might happen. (Now, don't become superstitious, tells something in me. But the problem is that I am living in both "worlds" because of the autumn 2011. So, I have to be also in a way that might be considered as irrational and superstitious (respectively believing in some kind of divine intervention or interaction), especially for the strict atheists and rationalists.))

18:44h: Another probably also even more important issue would be the handwritten papers that I wrote in autumn 2011. Because they also somehow disappeared, at least I couldn't find them so far. (But I also didn't have time to search for them.)

18:45h: The women are now "advising" me (don't write further, it is also not really important, they tell me now; no, yes, now, I remember, yes, this is my problem...), but it is complicated. Most importantly, they tell me that I should emphasize that everything will be relatively rational and compliant with a noninterventionist worldview. Because God (maybe it would now be the time to write it differently again, so I write "    " like in autumn 2011 (and sorry for not explaining more)) doesn't like to intervene (always). So it is a paradox actually.
(It would also have been important here to have a logger that logs the time for every keystroke. Because I added something above afterwards. Maybe I should delete it. Maybe I will delete what is written in the brackets in the first sentence, it doesn't belong here because the issue is actually too serious.)

18:51: Now, the men have returned, at the left, it is the men! Unbelievable. I am not completely sure, the sensitivity is slightly too low, but I assume that it is the men, at the left. They are relieved that I wrote the sentence with "too serious", because otherwise, it would have been really misfitting. First a women's issue and then something really, really serious.
But the strange thing is that women are now (yes, men too, they say) pushing for telling respectively "criticizing".
"OK, now, submit it, although we are not really content. But you have roughly said what had to be told." "And remember, you are ordinary. You are not a special guy. This is your real problem." (and now even more from the left side, but very diffuse, now a chill, yes...; not clear). "And again, state that everything will be rational. As rational as possible. And as systematic as possible. Respectively in the middle, this is the most important. Rational and also complying with more traditionally religious concepts. Some kind of diffuse mixture." (interestingly, the voices at the back reduced their intensity and I was increasingly thinking from my own head.)
"And now, tell that you go to the small group this evening." (with very weak intensity.) (and now, very strange, if I should delete it. Some kind of "bumps" in the back (better not to explain what it means, at least not now (now, a very strong chill), a warning.) (18:57h now.) Now, I should also point to the song that I somehow dimly hear in my head or that follows me on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chBxVUKoC6w, so listen to it in order to have the right feeling, especially at the end, this is my feeling. A serious issue whether I write about the small group meeting or not. Just that I go, this is enough. I will also not tell anything, because I am not allowed to. My visions were general actually anyway. But I just write that I go. (Maybe I will also remove it soon, I will have to see, depending on what the voices tell. Now, they are not telling me anything. This is also a political issue, respectively very complex. Social and political. Important is to be nice. So, I have to think rationally and "strategically" about it, which means I might have to remove the content (soon?).)

19:01: (And I just hope that I don't catch a computer virus in the coming days, because my computer at the moment runs still on an old Ubuntu operating system without upgraded patches because the support expired (Yes, it is actually absurd, before, something that tremendously important and now such a "minor" (yes, it is really "minor"; but also at the same time not; working; but potentially also synchronicity (chill; a long topic)) technical issue.).)

And the ceterum censeo respectively: Focus on mathematics respectively promote your children in a way that they can grow up in the most egalitarian and fulfilled ("happy") way, autonomous learning ("flow learning" actually).
And new: Don't do injustice to weaker entities. And preserve the diversity on the planet, especially the natural one (culture generally too, but this is complicated; "don't write about it now, this will be the main topic and hopefully you will be guided by voices" (no, at the moment no feedback in regards to this").

"Be careful now, you are losing the atheists and rationalists. But you are not guilty because you wrote the mathematics stuff first, also as some kind of atheist, and this is still your opinion, so this is not the issue. And now, a very deep warning, a chill actually: No, even mathematics is the issue, be careful. Mathematics can be very dangerous or in some way be wrong (again a chill). I am asking back: Have I lost the atheists (rationalist mathematicians, how to express it?) now? The answer was unclear respectively I forgot it. But there seems to be some kind of opposition between "souls" and mathematics. And the "souls" (respectively their successors (amendment about five minutes later when I returned to the computer: respectively not successors, but more "implicit" souls (probably not only the living beings; and especially this might be the problem, the problem more far in the future in terms of mathematics (but also something with living souls? unclear (maybe I should not have written it, this is really "cutting edge" respectively amounts to speculation; but I will try to remember the issue; maybe my back feeling and possibly chills might become more precise in regards to it (yes, one might think that I am insane now; but I have to tell it; and now, don't wait, because an accident might happen and then, the most important has been said; don't provoke "    " (now, the feeling is more like "God"), I wanted to write something additionally here, but I have forgotten it); end of the amendment.), but this is very far in the future, don't tell it; I shouldn't have told it maybe) are somehow superior. And probably everybody subconsciously feels that. And this was also my problem that I didn't feel it, this is different now, so actually an improvement. And also for the first time also a criticism of wrong or exaggerated mathematics by a chill (which at least this time doesn't seem to betray), "gerade noch rechtzeitig".

19:10: So, at about 19:40h, I have to go to the meeting. ("And don't explain why you go, "follow the love"".)

19:15h: Sorry for not uploading it into the "Preview" immediately, my mother was there, I couldn't return to the computer although it is my own computer now (but hopefully, you (You...) are keylogging too). "I shouldn't have written that, but now, I have to be transparent, I have the duty to be." (but very weak backfeeling). Maybe I will remove it." 19:21h: The most important is not the think that I am in some way superior like when I wrote it in the expression "ordinary people", this would be really detrimental. Should I delete that with the keylogging? Maybe, nobody is keylogging. Because the doses that I received in terms of antipsychotics (probably by far too high, if they were real) during my third stay at the psychiatric hospital (in late December 2011 until January 2012) would mean that I was not really followed, "cared for". So, maybe, there might be no keylogging at all at the moment. (And again, sorry for being potentially slightly "too" transparent, I have to think about it, maybe I will delete it. The voices at the right, high up (it would be better if they were low) tell me that I am now at the "edge". But I have to change how the world works, so I have to be transparent. And I am also very grateful for keylogging. (And I would wish that all people would care for each other, and also be honest (at least when the situation "fits", but this is a really complex issue, beyond my reach, possibly (aha, yes, the women are more dishonest (but not in a really detrimental way, usually, and the usually was very important; no, the usually is illogical, either it is systematic or not; so, maybe delete it; yes, the women and men's issue was a topic in fall 2011 (but now, at least, I have become more rational, I don't believe that my thoughts are transmitted anymore, I am only advised (still?) dimly by the voices in the back; and I have to be immensely grateful towards "    " that he (it...) might have done some healing so far; hopefully, I don't receive other doses of antipsychotics for a long time, because God might be immensely angry; and it is also my duty now to be really outspoken, and "fast" in writing; not wait; because an accident can happen all time (this is a problem for everybody, so just watch your feet and heads ;-) )) while in case of the men, it is complicated) this is a general issue.))

(After the ;-) , an additional ending bracked might be needed, I am not sure if I wrote it or not, I guess that I wrote it so I didn't write a third one, but maybe, a third one would be needed. And sorry for all the brackets, I need to be fast.)

And sorry that I didn't respond earlier (more quickly) to this friendship request that I discovered this morning on my smartphone (but needed a lot of time to respond, and couldn't find the request anymore, maybe it was no longer there). And sorry that I am telling everything on the Internet. If anybody wants to send my an e-mail or approach me otherwise and wishes to not talk about it, I will not talk about it.

19:39h: Really nice is the story that was hanged on the wall in the psychiatric hospital in 2010 about "Mark", the guy who talked about his mathematics teacher, as I just remember now, I almost have to weep. This gives me tremendous strength and hope. And also the woman who was there (maybe a second woman, but I didn't talk with her, unfortunately probably (but again, synchronizity; "it happens as it happens, but don't trust too much on that, this will exactly be the (my) message, actually, exactly the opposite should be the case (and now, most importantly "when it fits"; this will also be decisive in terms of accompanying children when they grow up: to really cater to (German: "eingehen auf") a child and to feel what kind of character it has and what it actually wishes.)".)

19:44h: And I also have to thank other people, especially "Chruselchopf" (sorry for the expression, maybe I should describe who the guy really was (You...), but this is also delicate, maybe not telling it is better), but also all the other people who came at least in 2010. ("But maybe, this is too much, because it might have been better if it would have developed differently", a voice said. No, it is not true. The main problem was only much afterwards, in 2011. But "Schwamm drüber", at least for now, I have to go to the meeting.)

19:48h: And the guy in my hometown from 2011... You... Where are you? How are you?

19:57: Huh, I am late, hopefully, the small group is not too angry.

19:57: Too things when I feel insecure or without God: He (it) is here, he (it) is an eternal fire full of love (or something like it, at least emotionally).

19:58: And I will also have to explain more about these "voices" and the "love energy transmissions" of autumn 2011. Their significance. (Because that might really alienate or at least considerably irritate some people.) And I once also passed a test: I knew in advance where a person was (but this could also be accidental or because one simply can assess a person and guess it.) Now, I have to hurry. I am at least a quarter of an hour late.

2012-06-14, 03:30h (still the old day..., because of that, here): The reason why I left this place was that I didn't want to make the same (potential) mistake twice (like in the end of December, respectively there, it was less a mistake that it would potentially have been now, because now I know respectively I can except that I would again receive antipsychotics; and that no animals would be around). But this time, it would have been actually more important to stay and risk a potential commitment to the psychiatric hospital. But in the end, with "logics" and ultimately also with some kind of "time pressure", I had the impression that I ultimately "decided" in the right way. But this is very very dislikeable to express it like that, considering what (probably? if my back feeling was indeed real, it was not "probably") happened.
(I am emotionally flattened at the moment, so I can't describe the love pain that I felt especially after the "incident".)

Really a lot to write. There would be a lot.
But if I write too much, I don't think anymore.

Which order?

Apologies, apologies, regrets, mistakes by myself, mostly on a personal level. I don't even remember them all.

So the question is: Should I write? And if yes, in which order? (and in which language, too.)

So, now, it is somehow chaotic. I have reached some kind of culmination point.

I have also taken antipsychotics, although only a small dose (also complicated to explain how, there were two steps and how the second happened was somehow interesting ("interesting"...); but this might be exactly the wrong way of thinking. I might have to take now more. And not because I might injure people, but because it is even more complex. So, this might be a new direction.

Sorry that I wrote that, there was (still is?) a counterreaction...
Was it too early? Maybe it was because I had to relieve me from something. "And to give new hope" (I wanted to write; but ultimately, maybe, it ends well in all cases; but exactly this thinking is probably (almost certainly? certainly?) also the wrong thinking.
Yes, quite certainly, because otherwise, what happened would not "have been necessary". no, not "have been necessary", but it simply wouldn't have happened (I don't find the right wording here. I also don't know it respectively I don't have the impression that I know it; sorry, a dislikeable section, especially from "have been necessary". This is because at the moment, I am emotionally flattened. But if the phone conversation was listened to, it is clear what went on, at least roughly).

And what I forgot in terms of new thoughts and also recurring thoughts (similar to autumn 2011) is "tremendous" (a lot). But this might not be even so important.

I am now also hesitating to "update" the editor. Maybe, I will not even write anymore anything. I need time now. Consolidation time, thinking time, it is "diffuse". Or I might need time now.

I hope for forgiveness for all my mistakes (yes, I wanted to write "mistakes" from the beginning, I also had "sins" in my head, but ultimately, th.... s).

And ...
Actually (and this is also actually the only that I ; "actually") actually, actually, actually, actually. absurd. no, also think further. very bad and cynical. what happened has to be ..... and this needs ........ . and this pr "process" is now ....

N, I s r t - should have ... and this is now really "sigh" (but I don't feel like that, it would be "sigh")

now, f a s m, - ho th t c w b t m. b i doesn't.

(I, no, - also th a r t the v; "do that".)

- upload it at least into preview because I (no, -) am not s i th w i k.
(sorry, I am slightly tired now. otherwise, I would have waited.)

should - go, or should I not go?

und dann plötzlich, ein irrer lacher zwischendurch, nach einem absurden (banalen, hochmütigen) gedanken. entspannung... irr, angesichts der tatsache, was passiert ist.

go, don't go...
("and uploading now?" irr, dass ich so abgehört werde, eigentlich; das würde sich jeder oder mancher wünschen.)

now, dislikeability increases. but whose guilt?

don't write anything down on paper now, it is not good "for the animal" (absurd; it would not be good for me "and the w w").

OK, I upload it into preview. Very dislikeable.

"I should go back to the town". forgotten (probably "instead of uploading it into preview"). ah now, it was "because the cursor doesn't move" (because I would appreciate a sign).

hehe, ... ... ....... ;-) (very cynical given what happened; I accumulate more and more guilt; and it will become more and more pressing to return... but what if my mother realizes it?

the other thing... but again, ...

I still, no, - still wait with uploading, ok, I still wait with uploading the content. because it is too technical at this place.

and sorry again, the people in the cars, not nice of me to not being more grateful...

grateful... one of the thoughts of this afternoon (autumn 2011...) and another though (new, probably the explanation)

- found out something (probably), very unfortunate (but luckily, a counterreaction; and now intense love pain)

"you destroy the moment" (and something else)

"w a m i"...

05:49h: I wanted to write a lot about other topics (for example that I have become somehow a bore; and a lot of other things; confessions too).

But you probably already know it or you are beginning to know what I was thinking (to a "varying degree").

Probably everything went wrong, at least on an emotional level and at one place also on a symbolic level.

But now, I still have .

The light signal ("Lichthupe") should have been twice (in the first instance), not only once, but I was anxious and didn't think before.

And women should stay away from me at the moment. Maybe forever. But something is fortunately still happening. But slowly.

I (-, actually) a n a t w f.

"W n t. A "c" t u y."

Sorry that - wrote "you". It is "You". Absolutely. At least if the same mistakes don't happen twice.

And I did again a serious mistake.

But now, time is needed. (maybe also some confessions from my part, but too much nonlinearity. what is needed is time. and I am probably very, extremely dislikeable at the moment. but also generally, in some way. extremely arrogant, at least most of the time, or very often. and what I am afraid of (not enough, by far not enough, I have no idea, very naive) is first boredom and secondly extreme suffering or a combination of both.)

But there is this "process" going on. (The question is whether to talk about it or not.)

And the good thing/news is: God knows. And .. is just (hopefully ;-), this is typical for the thinking and feeling at the moment.).

I have to talk about this process. Quickly. Now everything that goes through my head. ("for example bad that two people viewed the blog entry. only one would ahve been better." absurd, probably totally irrelevant respectively I don't know; the most unimportant thought. Or not... Just symbolically, two instead of one... absurd.) Connecting the new phenomenon with what I knew previously. Although it is not that entirely new. I simply was not sure. I have to talk and talk and talk in order to allow this process to happen in the most optimal (most ordered?) way.
"Process", actually an absurd definition/term ("Begriff"). Given that ... forgotten (because continued elsewhere.) But better call it "process" so far. Ah yes, it was "Given that it is not at all a technical process."

"Gott ist gross." (das kommt mir bekannt vor...)

I will probably have to call somebody in order to "stabilize" this process. And also not writing here further. But now, it is 06:20h, a little bit too early maybe.

Now, hurry: (no longer important)

06:57h: I have now found out something. Not good news (if it is indeed the case). The question is just for whom it is not good news (if it is indeed true.). But maybe it was necessary. But now, you will/might know less, everybody will/might know less. But in the longer term, it might be a similar outcome. I should have listened to my mother's suggestion.

The question is now for me if I should write what I still know. But the stomach feeling tells me no. This is not because I refuse to work but because the situation is probably too grave/serious. (But maybe, it was a good decision because I might be punished even less. I don't see through hundred percent. But I am not sure.)

But the "process" is luckily still going on, but very very weakly and slowly.

But probably this animal saved everything.

But I might be wrong with my guess and it might be paranoia. I am not sure. I have no proof.

But this is sad. This might be my last upload. I will/might just stay at home and see how things develop.

(Maybe, it was because I ate fish, also when I had the choice of not eating it. But I had the impression that I have to, because of my brain. But this was in some way unjust because everybody could claim that.)

(Maybe it was also because of the bottle. A bottle more instead of always the same bottle.)

07:30h (ca.; now it is 07:37h and I began writing this section about seven minutes ago):
to do:
* change the word paranoia, this is not fitting
* explain the concept of fulfillment of one's ...., reaching its potential; and the injustice (at least in real life) when it didn't happen (maybe not injustice, but at least "suboptimal")
* possibly change the country? but where? which country? and I only have an identity card at the moment. so, I will probably not be very active. Somebody would have to come and guide me away from here. (but I don't suppose that this will happen.)

a question is also how high the dose (if there was any dose, which I strongly suppose) was.