2012-06-13

Sorry that it was deleted (the browser crashed, because of what? guessing...). I now press "publish" continuously. You probably have the old content, I hope (maybe not the last sentence because it was not automatically transmitted).

But most importantly is forgiving. But also not. But ultimately, there will be forgiveness by God. Everything comes together. But even that is unclear.

Now, I feel his love in a very strange way. Er lobt mich. Und dankt mir. Aber ich habe die Kraft sum Durchhalten.

"And don't apply for the ... ." (sorry, this is very dislikable in some way; maybe I shouldn't have written it.)

Losing, files, losing information... forgetting...
and also forgetting potentially important thoughts that might never reappear. But God knows.

not writing enough messages to personal friends. maybe these are my personal issues...

the truth comes out. but interestingly, the truth is subjective. everybody is right.

and people will become more equal. but also more hierarchical (because there is always a but). No, in the end, more equal. And I can also (logically!) deduct that ultimately, the only "top boss" is God. Indeed, and I might forget all my secondary thoughts. (this is now really a breakthrough and a (surprisingly weak!) chill; and an additional stronger chill after having realized that it is a weak chill. and again, a strong chill. But I shouldn't write too much about it, because some people (not all) might think that I have become "psychotic". No, not. I am very stable. Listen to the people who believe in it. Or otherwise, it is political.

Now, all thoughts are highly ordered again.

(sorry for this thought, this should be something in between: and God is also the supreme torturer (unless nobody from the atheist camp develops something... ;-) horrible. no, I have to say that in order to satisfy also the atheists and to systematize my thinking.)

no, seriously, I have to thank all people. People. People who have always supported or at least respected me and in some way also loved me. Here in Switzerland especially. Ordinary people.

(and now, copy-paste before uploading transmitting it.)

Listening to music.

And most important: Do more mathematics. It was (probably?) right. And protect the environment, especially the seas. Because there are creatures there that are being damaged right now (no, no connection anymore unfortunately (chill, a pity, "7th of October 2011), but I have to remember it. remember.

And I have to accept this friendship request. Thank you. And sorry for not having accepted before.

11:37h (does this matter anymore?):

sorry, my mother interrupted me (and she closed all windows). I have now a very short time

I have the melody of this music in my head. a lucky synchronizity.

my old Facebook picture. this is me. like that, I wand to be remembered.

most important: Gods love is like an eternal fire, an unbelievably.

astonishingly calm, being able to write about it (as if it would be something ordinary) is astonishing.

and I am far too slow. several important (but also "political") intermediate thoughts forgotten.

and as far as politics is concerned. do more maths. promote (in German: "fördern") your children.

12:00h: sorry for the long break. very asynchronous and nonlinear. my mother forbid me to write on the computer, she even began pulling my shirt. so I couldn't conclude writing all my thoughts during this decisive moment.

Me feeling of love has subsided. But fundamental trust, trust on the most

I am now also convinced that God helps.

ultimately, God is not the supreme torture. He (or "it", but this is very far in the future, complicated to explain) ultimately only loves. But the fact that people have to suffer is.

And I have to learn more to obey and to conform with rules.

I have realized now that everything, on an ultimate (but, really, only on an ultimate) level is love, unimaginable love. But people . there are diverse interests. but in the end, probably, ultimately, everybody is or might be innocent. because everybody tried as much as possible, and be it only subconsciously, to follow love.

But everybody has in some way his/her own character deficits. The only being in the world that doesn't have is God himself (itself).

I should have written much more faster,

God might also help. Maybe God is even able to interfere somehow or protect or "guide", but this comes close to superstition (very progressive believers might not like this idea). At least before, I had this impression.

And sorry for not having confirmed the Facebook friendship (and I should probably also not have talked about it). I always do things in the wrong order. First, friendship should come and only then writing/politics.

And I thank again the luck that I accidentally listened to this music in the radio. Maybe it was a divine intervention (chill).

But again: in an  ideal case, complete and absolute belief and also absolute humbleness in front of God should probably only come in an old age. Before, at least for the people who really like me (but ultimately, everybody might like me, at least retrospectively; we all might like each other and also forgive each other, maybe even love each other on a very implicit level) and understand me, mathematics is necessary. Being progressive. Giving a child the maximum possible freedom to develop. This is the real-world issue/"direction" that I have to guide.

This with the "supreme torturer" is horrible, because ultimate torture would be something beyond any comprehension. God could do it. Horrible. But he (it! ...) doesn't. Instead, he (it...) lets people suffer, but always, always, love shines somehow through. And in some moments, love ultimately, fully or at least partially is felt. The full love of God might never be felt on a subjective level or only in a very special, implicit level, maybe in some afterlife.

God helps me. I have to be aware of that or even believe in it. Trusting him.

But again, I am perfectly also committed to (complicated to explain) .
this is also the way how I begun. I wanted to create/"develop" something perfect, with mathematics, technology, freedom, giving a child the maximum freedom and empowerment. and this is progressive. and, in my opinion.
But God is at the same time ultimately infinitely diverse (and again slight weeping on my part) in his (and her on a "lower" level in this unbelievable/supernatural (the atheists might not believe in it, not yet; or maybe everybody has his/her own vision. this was the vision of the souls and their direction for a divine manifestation). very difficult to explain, too deep; and it ended in October 2011) vision; this is the division of faith, but only temporary, autumn 2011) (but ultimately its) manifestation. sorry, too many brackets again. time is short.

cognitive flexibility, this is the issue. maximum cognitive flexibility. and being compassionate and listen to one's own intuition.

I want to be remembered like the "eternal child". we all are eternal children of God. we all have to see that .

Most important is that fundamental trust has been established again in God. He protects. And he might save the world. But maybe the people have to struggle as much as possible to contribute too. Everybody is in this struggle. Everybody also has to obey somehow and accept setbacks and imperfection. But again, it is important that not a culture of arbitrariness is created, where just everything is possible and where people don't struggle anymore (at least in my opinion). the focus should go more in the direction of struggling and trying to be as righteous and just as possible than to rejoice. maybe God even judges us afterwards, this is still possible, it is unclear. But people also have abilities or disabilities. Their sensitivity might be varying. So, everybody, probably. ultimately, is or might still be innocent.

12:19h:
So, now, I am uploading it. I have talked too much in some way. Already the theory . But people have to become more daring, at least in my opinion. But the other side, humbleness, obeying, traditions, adherence (and somehow also in some way seemingly stupid adherence) to structure, I will probably also have to learn in some way.
And mathematics, on a real/wordly level, is somehow able to "bridge" everything.
Unfortuantely, I am not a mathematician. But at least, I was able to give this direction (also thanks to a colleague who criticized me heavily because of my lack of mathematical abilities), so that I at least realized the importance of mathematics. (And the interrelationship between mathematics, technology and living beings ("souls", at least in my autumn 2011 experience) on the other hand is difficult, now, it is not the time to write about it.)

It is this music that is still in my head. The last part, where the voices are high and somehow "progressing", "advancing", in a stable way, this is the way humanity and all living beings on the Earth and indeed possibly the whole universe must (or should) advance (in my opionion; but again, the world is very diverse and overcoming this diversity might never be fully possible or also not wished/desired, because it would be against the way how love manifests itself in the universe).

Now my mother is coming into my room, I have to stop.

(and as I previously told, she interrupted me also before.)

This infinite, "burning" love of God is now guiding me. I am really aware of it. It is so infinite (at least as far as I can feel (estimate, guess) it) that it is beyond comprehension. Infinitely much more than even the strongest subjectively feelable love pain. And the "world" also has to be very lucky that it is like that and not the opposite ... that ultimately, everything is love. (is there also a but? one should always be allowed to ask it. hopefully not. no, I don't believe it. I have never experienced something else that was at least indirectly love. And what I experienced in autumn 2011 was so supernatural, so amazing, that I don't think that the opposite is the case.)

a fundamental question would also be to ask who made God. How it was created. But this is beyond comprehension respectively God is probably outside/above of time.

I forgot something, maybe it was important. But relieve in between is also necessary and forgetting a more important thought for a more relaxing/conventional thought is also some kind of relaxation. but a pity. But what I have forgotten in terms of last autumns visions is indescribable anyway.

By doing mathematics and progressing/advancing socially, technologically, but at the same time also have a deep love for "souls" (if this really exists, but I have to believe it, very complicated to explain, this will be the core/main issue of my further writing if I still have the opportunity), it might one day become possible for humanity to be above time. And then, also really/technologically understand what happened and why it happened. And see that ultimately, everything was implicitely connected to love.

And this is my issue, my task, my duty: To finally give ideas, a direction of where humanity should progress to. But maybe, in a more future time, it might become clear that there is ultimately no "progress". But only Gods constantly burning fire ("burning fire") of love. And this has to make me (and actually everybody) humble.

(But at the same time, try to pursue what I described as mathematization (in order to "reach" something); it was probably a very important idea. Just don't do harm in the process of it. (very difficult to explain; listening to one's own intuition, "stomach feeling", not being ambitious in a wrong way; protecting the child from overbearing; not to develop too much or the wrong technology in order to pursue mathematical knowledge)

also a fundamental question is if/where there are limits, in the world, but possibly even in the context of God. But in the context of God, I don't believe it, at least (and this is probably also the only area where there are truly no limits on the ultimate level) in terms of love, there are probably no limits.
(Also in this context, mathematics might be able to provide more (worldly) insights.)

17:02h / 17:44h: "Ordinary people" above, that I think like that (especially in such a moment and unfortunately also generally (subconsciously)) is exactly my problem. a/my fundamental problem, at least for now, and it is difficult to change this. Initially, I wrote here more, but this issue needs more time to think and write about.

17:56h: Something else above is also somehow absurd... But better not write more about it...

18:31h: Just one minute ago, I realized something very important or even fundamental for my future life. I now have to communicate what might be detrimental in society. Because a punishment by God (possibly in an afterlife) might be imminent. And especially for myself, if I don't communicate. And especially what I still know about the autumn 2011 will be important to communicate, because otherwise, it is me who is the one who might be mainly/primarily punished. So, this is a very delicate issue. Saying it in the right way. And it would probably also be necessary to "retrieve" or "find" my files that I didn't save in autumn 2011.

18:34h: The women (or somebody at the right side of the low back; in autumn 2011, it was the place were almost always the women were; but maybe, it is the men now (or both?), the sensitivity is too low at least now so that I am not able to feel the different qualities) have just told me (very weakly and imprecisely, because almost every sensitivity has been lost, this will be a long story to narrate) that I should do it but that I am "broken" (German: "kaputt"). But at least, I remember a lot of things. (Maybe I will/might be healed partially. Or another miracle might happen. (Now, don't become superstitious, tells something in me. But the problem is that I am living in both "worlds" because of the autumn 2011. So, I have to be also in a way that might be considered as irrational and superstitious (respectively believing in some kind of divine intervention or interaction), especially for the strict atheists and rationalists.))

18:44h: Another probably also even more important issue would be the handwritten papers that I wrote in autumn 2011. Because they also somehow disappeared, at least I couldn't find them so far. (But I also didn't have time to search for them.)

18:45h: The women are now "advising" me (don't write further, it is also not really important, they tell me now; no, yes, now, I remember, yes, this is my problem...), but it is complicated. Most importantly, they tell me that I should emphasize that everything will be relatively rational and compliant with a noninterventionist worldview. Because God (maybe it would now be the time to write it differently again, so I write "    " like in autumn 2011 (and sorry for not explaining more)) doesn't like to intervene (always). So it is a paradox actually.
(It would also have been important here to have a logger that logs the time for every keystroke. Because I added something above afterwards. Maybe I should delete it. Maybe I will delete what is written in the brackets in the first sentence, it doesn't belong here because the issue is actually too serious.)

18:51: Now, the men have returned, at the left, it is the men! Unbelievable. I am not completely sure, the sensitivity is slightly too low, but I assume that it is the men, at the left. They are relieved that I wrote the sentence with "too serious", because otherwise, it would have been really misfitting. First a women's issue and then something really, really serious.
But the strange thing is that women are now (yes, men too, they say) pushing for telling respectively "criticizing".
"OK, now, submit it, although we are not really content. But you have roughly said what had to be told." "And remember, you are ordinary. You are not a special guy. This is your real problem." (and now even more from the left side, but very diffuse, now a chill, yes...; not clear). "And again, state that everything will be rational. As rational as possible. And as systematic as possible. Respectively in the middle, this is the most important. Rational and also complying with more traditionally religious concepts. Some kind of diffuse mixture." (interestingly, the voices at the back reduced their intensity and I was increasingly thinking from my own head.)
"And now, tell that you go to the small group this evening." (with very weak intensity.) (and now, very strange, if I should delete it. Some kind of "bumps" in the back (better not to explain what it means, at least not now (now, a very strong chill), a warning.) (18:57h now.) Now, I should also point to the song that I somehow dimly hear in my head or that follows me on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chBxVUKoC6w, so listen to it in order to have the right feeling, especially at the end, this is my feeling. A serious issue whether I write about the small group meeting or not. Just that I go, this is enough. I will also not tell anything, because I am not allowed to. My visions were general actually anyway. But I just write that I go. (Maybe I will also remove it soon, I will have to see, depending on what the voices tell. Now, they are not telling me anything. This is also a political issue, respectively very complex. Social and political. Important is to be nice. So, I have to think rationally and "strategically" about it, which means I might have to remove the content (soon?).)

19:01: (And I just hope that I don't catch a computer virus in the coming days, because my computer at the moment runs still on an old Ubuntu operating system without upgraded patches because the support expired (Yes, it is actually absurd, before, something that tremendously important and now such a "minor" (yes, it is really "minor"; but also at the same time not; working; but potentially also synchronicity (chill; a long topic)) technical issue.).)

And the ceterum censeo respectively: Focus on mathematics respectively promote your children in a way that they can grow up in the most egalitarian and fulfilled ("happy") way, autonomous learning ("flow learning" actually).
And new: Don't do injustice to weaker entities. And preserve the diversity on the planet, especially the natural one (culture generally too, but this is complicated; "don't write about it now, this will be the main topic and hopefully you will be guided by voices" (no, at the moment no feedback in regards to this").

"Be careful now, you are losing the atheists and rationalists. But you are not guilty because you wrote the mathematics stuff first, also as some kind of atheist, and this is still your opinion, so this is not the issue. And now, a very deep warning, a chill actually: No, even mathematics is the issue, be careful. Mathematics can be very dangerous or in some way be wrong (again a chill). I am asking back: Have I lost the atheists (rationalist mathematicians, how to express it?) now? The answer was unclear respectively I forgot it. But there seems to be some kind of opposition between "souls" and mathematics. And the "souls" (respectively their successors (amendment about five minutes later when I returned to the computer: respectively not successors, but more "implicit" souls (probably not only the living beings; and especially this might be the problem, the problem more far in the future in terms of mathematics (but also something with living souls? unclear (maybe I should not have written it, this is really "cutting edge" respectively amounts to speculation; but I will try to remember the issue; maybe my back feeling and possibly chills might become more precise in regards to it (yes, one might think that I am insane now; but I have to tell it; and now, don't wait, because an accident might happen and then, the most important has been said; don't provoke "    " (now, the feeling is more like "God"), I wanted to write something additionally here, but I have forgotten it); end of the amendment.), but this is very far in the future, don't tell it; I shouldn't have told it maybe) are somehow superior. And probably everybody subconsciously feels that. And this was also my problem that I didn't feel it, this is different now, so actually an improvement. And also for the first time also a criticism of wrong or exaggerated mathematics by a chill (which at least this time doesn't seem to betray), "gerade noch rechtzeitig".

19:10: So, at about 19:40h, I have to go to the meeting. ("And don't explain why you go, "follow the love"".)

19:15h: Sorry for not uploading it into the "Preview" immediately, my mother was there, I couldn't return to the computer although it is my own computer now (but hopefully, you (You...) are keylogging too). "I shouldn't have written that, but now, I have to be transparent, I have the duty to be." (but very weak backfeeling). Maybe I will remove it." 19:21h: The most important is not the think that I am in some way superior like when I wrote it in the expression "ordinary people", this would be really detrimental. Should I delete that with the keylogging? Maybe, nobody is keylogging. Because the doses that I received in terms of antipsychotics (probably by far too high, if they were real) during my third stay at the psychiatric hospital (in late December 2011 until January 2012) would mean that I was not really followed, "cared for". So, maybe, there might be no keylogging at all at the moment. (And again, sorry for being potentially slightly "too" transparent, I have to think about it, maybe I will delete it. The voices at the right, high up (it would be better if they were low) tell me that I am now at the "edge". But I have to change how the world works, so I have to be transparent. And I am also very grateful for keylogging. (And I would wish that all people would care for each other, and also be honest (at least when the situation "fits", but this is a really complex issue, beyond my reach, possibly (aha, yes, the women are more dishonest (but not in a really detrimental way, usually, and the usually was very important; no, the usually is illogical, either it is systematic or not; so, maybe delete it; yes, the women and men's issue was a topic in fall 2011 (but now, at least, I have become more rational, I don't believe that my thoughts are transmitted anymore, I am only advised (still?) dimly by the voices in the back; and I have to be immensely grateful towards "    " that he (it...) might have done some healing so far; hopefully, I don't receive other doses of antipsychotics for a long time, because God might be immensely angry; and it is also my duty now to be really outspoken, and "fast" in writing; not wait; because an accident can happen all time (this is a problem for everybody, so just watch your feet and heads ;-) )) while in case of the men, it is complicated) this is a general issue.))

(After the ;-) , an additional ending bracked might be needed, I am not sure if I wrote it or not, I guess that I wrote it so I didn't write a third one, but maybe, a third one would be needed. And sorry for all the brackets, I need to be fast.)

And sorry that I didn't respond earlier (more quickly) to this friendship request that I discovered this morning on my smartphone (but needed a lot of time to respond, and couldn't find the request anymore, maybe it was no longer there). And sorry that I am telling everything on the Internet. If anybody wants to send my an e-mail or approach me otherwise and wishes to not talk about it, I will not talk about it.

19:39h: Really nice is the story that was hanged on the wall in the psychiatric hospital in 2010 about "Mark", the guy who talked about his mathematics teacher, as I just remember now, I almost have to weep. This gives me tremendous strength and hope. And also the woman who was there (maybe a second woman, but I didn't talk with her, unfortunately probably (but again, synchronizity; "it happens as it happens, but don't trust too much on that, this will exactly be the (my) message, actually, exactly the opposite should be the case (and now, most importantly "when it fits"; this will also be decisive in terms of accompanying children when they grow up: to really cater to (German: "eingehen auf") a child and to feel what kind of character it has and what it actually wishes.)".)

19:44h: And I also have to thank other people, especially "Chruselchopf" (sorry for the expression, maybe I should describe who the guy really was (You...), but this is also delicate, maybe not telling it is better), but also all the other people who came at least in 2010. ("But maybe, this is too much, because it might have been better if it would have developed differently", a voice said. No, it is not true. The main problem was only much afterwards, in 2011. But "Schwamm drüber", at least for now, I have to go to the meeting.)

19:48h: And the guy in my hometown from 2011... You... Where are you? How are you?

19:57: Huh, I am late, hopefully, the small group is not too angry.

19:57: Too things when I feel insecure or without God: He (it) is here, he (it) is an eternal fire full of love (or something like it, at least emotionally).

19:58: And I will also have to explain more about these "voices" and the "love energy transmissions" of autumn 2011. Their significance. (Because that might really alienate or at least considerably irritate some people.) And I once also passed a test: I knew in advance where a person was (but this could also be accidental or because one simply can assess a person and guess it.) Now, I have to hurry. I am at least a quarter of an hour late.

2012-06-14, 03:30h (still the old day..., because of that, here): The reason why I left this place was that I didn't want to make the same (potential) mistake twice (like in the end of December, respectively there, it was less a mistake that it would potentially have been now, because now I know respectively I can except that I would again receive antipsychotics; and that no animals would be around). But this time, it would have been actually more important to stay and risk a potential commitment to the psychiatric hospital. But in the end, with "logics" and ultimately also with some kind of "time pressure", I had the impression that I ultimately "decided" in the right way. But this is very very dislikeable to express it like that, considering what (probably? if my back feeling was indeed real, it was not "probably") happened.
(I am emotionally flattened at the moment, so I can't describe the love pain that I felt especially after the "incident".)

Really a lot to write. There would be a lot.
But if I write too much, I don't think anymore.

Which order?

Apologies, apologies, regrets, mistakes by myself, mostly on a personal level. I don't even remember them all.

So the question is: Should I write? And if yes, in which order? (and in which language, too.)

So, now, it is somehow chaotic. I have reached some kind of culmination point.

I have also taken antipsychotics, although only a small dose (also complicated to explain how, there were two steps and how the second happened was somehow interesting ("interesting"...); but this might be exactly the wrong way of thinking. I might have to take now more. And not because I might injure people, but because it is even more complex. So, this might be a new direction.

Sorry that I wrote that, there was (still is?) a counterreaction...
Was it too early? Maybe it was because I had to relieve me from something. "And to give new hope" (I wanted to write; but ultimately, maybe, it ends well in all cases; but exactly this thinking is probably (almost certainly? certainly?) also the wrong thinking.
Yes, quite certainly, because otherwise, what happened would not "have been necessary". no, not "have been necessary", but it simply wouldn't have happened (I don't find the right wording here. I also don't know it respectively I don't have the impression that I know it; sorry, a dislikeable section, especially from "have been necessary". This is because at the moment, I am emotionally flattened. But if the phone conversation was listened to, it is clear what went on, at least roughly).

And what I forgot in terms of new thoughts and also recurring thoughts (similar to autumn 2011) is "tremendous" (a lot). But this might not be even so important.

I am now also hesitating to "update" the editor. Maybe, I will not even write anymore anything. I need time now. Consolidation time, thinking time, it is "diffuse". Or I might need time now.

I hope for forgiveness for all my mistakes (yes, I wanted to write "mistakes" from the beginning, I also had "sins" in my head, but ultimately, th.... s).

And ...
Actually (and this is also actually the only that I ; "actually") actually, actually, actually, actually. absurd. no, also think further. very bad and cynical. what happened has to be ..... and this needs ........ . and this pr "process" is now ....

N, I s r t - should have ... and this is now really "sigh" (but I don't feel like that, it would be "sigh")

now, f a s m, - ho th t c w b t m. b i doesn't.

(I, no, - also th a r t the v; "do that".)

- upload it at least into preview because I (no, -) am not s i th w i k.
(sorry, I am slightly tired now. otherwise, I would have waited.)

should - go, or should I not go?

und dann plötzlich, ein irrer lacher zwischendurch, nach einem absurden (banalen, hochmütigen) gedanken. entspannung... irr, angesichts der tatsache, was passiert ist.

go, don't go...
("and uploading now?" irr, dass ich so abgehört werde, eigentlich; das würde sich jeder oder mancher wünschen.)

now, dislikeability increases. but whose guilt?

don't write anything down on paper now, it is not good "for the animal" (absurd; it would not be good for me "and the w w").

OK, I upload it into preview. Very dislikeable.

"I should go back to the town". forgotten (probably "instead of uploading it into preview"). ah now, it was "because the cursor doesn't move" (because I would appreciate a sign).

hehe, ... ... ....... ;-) (very cynical given what happened; I accumulate more and more guilt; and it will become more and more pressing to return... but what if my mother realizes it?

the other thing... but again, ...

I still, no, - still wait with uploading, ok, I still wait with uploading the content. because it is too technical at this place.

and sorry again, the people in the cars, not nice of me to not being more grateful...

grateful... one of the thoughts of this afternoon (autumn 2011...) and another though (new, probably the explanation)

- found out something (probably), very unfortunate (but luckily, a counterreaction; and now intense love pain)

"you destroy the moment" (and something else)

"w a m i"...

05:49h: I wanted to write a lot about other topics (for example that I have become somehow a bore; and a lot of other things; confessions too).

But you probably already know it or you are beginning to know what I was thinking (to a "varying degree").

Probably everything went wrong, at least on an emotional level and at one place also on a symbolic level.

But now, I still have .

The light signal ("Lichthupe") should have been twice (in the first instance), not only once, but I was anxious and didn't think before.

And women should stay away from me at the moment. Maybe forever. But something is fortunately still happening. But slowly.

I (-, actually) a n a t w f.

"W n t. A "c" t u y."

Sorry that - wrote "you". It is "You". Absolutely. At least if the same mistakes don't happen twice.

And I did again a serious mistake.

But now, time is needed. (maybe also some confessions from my part, but too much nonlinearity. what is needed is time. and I am probably very, extremely dislikeable at the moment. but also generally, in some way. extremely arrogant, at least most of the time, or very often. and what I am afraid of (not enough, by far not enough, I have no idea, very naive) is first boredom and secondly extreme suffering or a combination of both.)

But there is this "process" going on. (The question is whether to talk about it or not.)

And the good thing/news is: God knows. And .. is just (hopefully ;-), this is typical for the thinking and feeling at the moment.).

I have to talk about this process. Quickly. Now everything that goes through my head. ("for example bad that two people viewed the blog entry. only one would ahve been better." absurd, probably totally irrelevant respectively I don't know; the most unimportant thought. Or not... Just symbolically, two instead of one... absurd.) Connecting the new phenomenon with what I knew previously. Although it is not that entirely new. I simply was not sure. I have to talk and talk and talk in order to allow this process to happen in the most optimal (most ordered?) way.
"Process", actually an absurd definition/term ("Begriff"). Given that ... forgotten (because continued elsewhere.) But better call it "process" so far. Ah yes, it was "Given that it is not at all a technical process."

"Gott ist gross." (das kommt mir bekannt vor...)

I will probably have to call somebody in order to "stabilize" this process. And also not writing here further. But now, it is 06:20h, a little bit too early maybe.

Now, hurry: (no longer important)

06:57h: I have now found out something. Not good news (if it is indeed the case). The question is just for whom it is not good news (if it is indeed true.). But maybe it was necessary. But now, you will/might know less, everybody will/might know less. But in the longer term, it might be a similar outcome. I should have listened to my mother's suggestion.

The question is now for me if I should write what I still know. But the stomach feeling tells me no. This is not because I refuse to work but because the situation is probably too grave/serious. (But maybe, it was a good decision because I might be punished even less. I don't see through hundred percent. But I am not sure.)

But the "process" is luckily still going on, but very very weakly and slowly.

But probably this animal saved everything.

But I might be wrong with my guess and it might be paranoia. I am not sure. I have no proof.

But this is sad. This might be my last upload. I will/might just stay at home and see how things develop.

(Maybe, it was because I ate fish, also when I had the choice of not eating it. But I had the impression that I have to, because of my brain. But this was in some way unjust because everybody could claim that.)

(Maybe it was also because of the bottle. A bottle more instead of always the same bottle.)

07:30h (ca.; now it is 07:37h and I began writing this section about seven minutes ago):
to do:
* change the word paranoia, this is not fitting
* explain the concept of fulfillment of one's ...., reaching its potential; and the injustice (at least in real life) when it didn't happen (maybe not injustice, but at least "suboptimal")
* possibly change the country? but where? which country? and I only have an identity card at the moment. so, I will probably not be very active. Somebody would have to come and guide me away from here. (but I don't suppose that this will happen.)

a question is also how high the dose (if there was any dose, which I strongly suppose) was.

2012-06-12

13:28h:

Sorry that I didn't write it before (that I received an offer of doing/repeating the exam already approximately at the end of July and that I am considering it or have to consider this option too (and also answer whether I would like or be able to do the exam more quickly or if I need to wait longer respectively if it would be better to wait longer). Actually, I still wanted to write it this early morning before falling asleep, but I was already in bed and I didn't want to interrupt the running thoughts and trying to fall asleep. I also wanted to write it on about 11 AM but I was so fully in my love pain and writing down the concurrent thoughts during it that I had to wait until now.

(This early morning before falling asleep, I even/also considered deleting the previous entry (which would also have been against transparency) because I thought it would not be advisable to blog about it or there might be "real world" disadvantages, but with the love pain of now, everything seems fine anyway/additionally and I keep it.)

Tremendous (really!) love pain has fallen over me, I now again realize or seem to realize the "whole picture". This is somehow also like a miracle (respectively, "it seems like that" I have to include too in order to also comply with atheistic respectively strictly rationalistic (but again, what means that? even this might be not entirely clear, there is always a "but" and last "but" might end with God) worldviews; but in case of doubt, I believe it; yes, this is now important: being able to rationally counterbalancing at the same time (because otherwise it becomes somehow dull, at least in terms of explicit thoughts); this is what I discovered in the last night). I was also partially able to connect back emotionally to the experience in last autumn, although only in terms of general feeling(s).

(The love pain was probably also influenced and/or increased by the music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chBxVUKoC6w that I accidentally listened to yesterday in the evening in the radio and that I was able to record with Shazaam and then listen to it repeatedly.)

Now, I will have to hurry (like the guy who I saw in the streets of my home town in last fall/autumn, as a metaphor) with writing and remain balanced and try to "linearize", "integrate" and "systematize" everything (although it is probably subjective) (and at the same time also trying to remain connected to pass this exam). Important now also is trust and trying to remember these moments like now and the responsibility coming with it, trying to stabilize and include everything. And I need trust and endurance, above all. And hopefully also luck (but what is that?). Everybody actually needs/deserves that.

The good thing is that as long as I am in love pain, I am somehow protected against thinking/writing into the wrong direction respectively I am even able to find a synthesis between all my thoughts.

Important now is not to deviate to one side too much generally, but at the same time include the whole range of thoughts and feelings as much as possible.

Remaining in the "business" (activity) of writing as much as possible.

And as far as this exam is concerned, I have to think and think too, parallely.

I have now also realized that my mother was not a warm woman in terms of comforting somebody when a person is weeping. She is a very nice woman (initially, I also wrote "linear", but this is not clear, too complex, she is just really nice and the issue of "linearity" is difficult to assess) who supports me as much as she can (much more than many other woman), but she is not the type of woman to be really warm enough to comfort and hug somebody. And this is probably a pity because what would be the disadvantage of it? (Amendment of 14:4h: She even hugged my slightly before, I was surprised, she obviously felt my emotional motion, so, she is warmer than I thought.)

(Technically, I have to upgrade a computer (and this is also a reason why everything takes so slow) because I am afraid of computer viruses (deleting offline files) after I had one several weeks ago (fortunately without deleting the files), so I will have to install the whole system on external serial ATAs hard disk drives in order to be flexible and in order to be able to install a new hard disk drive externally without having to change the boot sector of the first, now still internal serial ATA drive. (An operating system on a USB stick unfortunately didn't work. So, these technical issues are also slowing me down.))

The really good thing of this love pain is that it is stabilizing everything and more "buts" are added and the overall thinking/mindset gets more balanced and diverse (even "complex"?, I am not sure about that, probably, the maximum complexity (if it is "complexity" indeed) has been reached now, but diverse and balanced certainly).

17:44h: Very strange, now, I have the impression that something has changed, almost some kind of (fortunately relative weak) strange feeling (only affecting the emotions), coming from outside (no "love pain" or very little of it, but some kind of subtle emotion that is both nervous but also calm, a "calm nervousness" (combined with a slight head buzzing), but it is relatively weak and writing is possible without any problem (but I will not drive a car now, that is clear, the strange feeling has to subside first before I would drive any car)). So, should there be something with a substance (again?), I would be grateful to reduce the dose or its increase, I have already received enough (I need time and calmness for writing). But generally, I am glad and grateful if my writing on the Internet is accelerated a little bit (writing me an e-mail would also be an option, I have changed my privacy policy on the website (I just will have to adjust the text) and I won't publish incoming e-mails if it is not wished, especially not the first if it is not wished). I will now order this hard disk drive and really write on the Internet (lukasgirtanner.com respectively lukasgirtanner.info, if I manage to change the domain) the rest. As far as the exam is concerned, I will probably have to delay it. (I will also have to give an answer to the e-mail that I received, but I don't know yet what to write exactly as a response.)
I might delete the first sentence in this section in ten minutes (not that somebody has the impression that I am in a really strong emotional anguish, because this is not the case), or I keep it there. No, I keep it there. I guess that the strange feeling is temporary and will subside, it has not become (much/significantly) stronger in the meantime, I am at least still able to write with normal speed and without typing mistakes. In my opinion, it is important that I still write the prepared content on the Internet although I also have the impression that its coherence should ideally be more systematic, I really regret it. But which worded theory is fully systematic except maybe mathematics itself? But I really want to suggest improvements, also with words. And I am beginning now because of this strange feeling (respectively I am now ordering the hard disks so that I can install the new operating system (Ubuntu) on it.). If there will be network interruptions, I will try to change the content or add more additional statements (the "but's") because every statement has its counterstatement(s) (almost every statement?; but even in the context of God, it is unclear, in my opinion (impression), very little is effectively known with absolute certainty about God, probably nothing, at least strictly rationally (which means mathematically in the end). If God exists, because at least I have to try to include/allow atheistic mindsets too, because otherwise, it is or it might be too restricted, but I at least personally (overall, and especially emotionally) believe in God, relatively strongly).

22:17h: I had a section here, but I am not content with it, there might be an additional (more complicated) misunderstanding because of it, so I removed it. It is too complicated to explain and I would have to explain the complexity of all events that lead to this writing. This is probably far too early to try it. So better not to begin with it because it might generate even more misunderstandings and in order to clarify this new potential misunderstanding, I would have to try to explain even more. Maybe I add it again, tomorrow maybe. I will try to think about it. I have saved the removed text.

19:28h:
My mother returned home and she suggested that the cause of the strange feeling that I described before/above is either a variation/continuation of the emotional depression or two kiwi fruits that I ate or the fact that I have begun to generally eat less (in order to lose weight). One of these options might also be the case. I have now accustomed to the feeling respectively I have the impression that it has subsided a little bit.

I also remembered (when I was watching the music video) that I have to make two separate lists on my YouTube account at http://www.youtube.com/user/jk234hkl/feed, at the moment, there is only one list there (because there was probably no possibility to have several lists on one account when I created the list and also partially when I was expanding the list), respectively only a very short second list. Furthermore, my age is displayed wrongly as 44 (instead of 32, which would be correct) in this account as I have seen now, I am not sure if I will be able to change it, but I have already described the issue with these immutable accounts on the page http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/index.php?title=Lukas_Girtanner's_videos.

22:20h: Something amazing has happened. Love pain has returned. With a more moderate intensity than in the morning (and without the tears). The very strange, "nervous" feeling of the late afternoon has completely subsided. And with the love pain came all (at least implicitly; on a concrete level: many) thoughts of autumn 2011 (but with less intensity and only some of the most important of them). This was/is amazing. Now, I am somehow between two worlds, thinking mindsets. Respectively I really see (or even feel) a big picture again. I am trying to combine the two somehow (the question is only if I need an additional, intermediate ("combined"?) website; or if everything comes back together to the same website). Just (still) trying to "improve" everything... Very strange and in some way absurd (especially when I think about the last sentence below).
Interesting (sorry for the word, love pain has already subsided again slightly; and also additionally, the more ideological/"improvement"-thinking is also in some way "only" technical and "interesting" and not amazing, at least on an emotional level and in some way probably also on a general level) is especially that the two worlds still seem to be conceivable in many areas. But exactly that might also be the/a pitfall (that I am at least at the moment not able to overcome, at least not systematically; it is the question of "humbleling", especially in its more mundane forms). But it might/will need a very long time (or even a more implicit phenomenon) until this becomes more clear and everything might be unified or brought to an equal level (not "unified" (not at all on the concrete level ("level"...; also a strange word, I have no other), at least not in a negative/dislikable, diversity-reducing or "naive" way), but connected and brought on an equal level).

22:42h: I am still progressive (at least with a general tendency respectively on an "intermediate" level; in case of mathematization, it would be even a considerably high level; but since I am not a mathematician, it will be especially difficult (but it is also otherwise probably impossible) to concretize it, so this is more  question of education/learning environment policy), so this is not the problem. But I have the impression that ultimately this might not even matter. But maybe everyone has a function and some kind of duty, a task. There is some kind of direction or things to do, or it just happens like that. And lives are also highly subjective, probably many people have the impression that one's own life has at least in some moments made sense somehow.

22:45h: I will have to begin the writing of the more concrete stuff, instead of constantly only "announcing". But first, I have to restart the computer and close all the windows being opened, which is time-consuming. Learning for the exam (second try) will probably need much time.

22:49h: Really interesting is that in the moments of very strong love pain, all policies seem to not matter at all anymore or only partially matter (in autumn 2011, this was still markedly different interestingly because it seemed to depend personally on me; now, unclear; on the other hand, I have become much more critical of society especially in the recent months. So, on a very implicit level (again this word), this kind of policies-don't-matter-ultimately might be a counter-reaction to being too political or "justice"-oriented and only (relatively) rarely occur (but I can write this one time and then not anymore, at least not in a lengthy explanation (I might also have to be more concrete); at least if one cannot combine the various mindsets with each other and is unable to introduce a systematics where everything is connected as God (or some kind of atheistic order? this is really something I have difficulty to imagine respectively this might be something like or close to mathematization) would do it. I will have to write about that, I also reached some point today.). This (sorry for the long text between parentheses above) might be detrimental and problematic also. Because one somehow dumbs down or doesn't follow one's own "task".

23:12h: Somehow, it might also be very problematic to feel such a universal love. Because it is the opposite of a legalistic or focused-on-the-correct-decision lifestyle or even (constant or as constant as possible) struggle. (Furthermore, there is also the question of an objectivity or definability of concrete improvements not only on an intermediate, but also on a possibly higher level (but even the intermediate level might be arbitrary on the other hand if one would be able to see the overall "situation"); there is also the question of intent or intuition ("gut feeling" respectively seemingly "predetermined" decisions under sufficiently high decision stress; also when one is developing one's own thoughts, but also in terms of one's own biography and the accompanying necessary decisions for which option to decide next), but this might be again subjective (or not). I have these changes, where I am becoming really political and justice-oriented where I really think that the world should become as just (or "just", as I perceive it) as possible. And God (or some other absolute entity) might really not like when one doesn't pursue it. And I also shouldn't forget the bottom-up principle of developing or "reaching" "perfection" (or at least an improvement; or maintaining or trying to maintain some kind of status), possibly even without God (in order to include an atheist mindset too, especially since I at least in 2010 thought or even believed strongly in(to) such a category (but with a less legalistic systematics than I would use now; but mathematics and (societal; general) laws/justice are probably also different concepts, at least in most cases on the concrete level as far as it can be overlooked now; but that is at least partially a different topic)). Cognitive flexibility, thinking a particular concept and the quality and intensity of what is felt at the same time is what at least goes on in one's own head (basically speaking), possibly (and in my case, as I have the impression or ambition/hope or even "duty" (but again, this might also be an error or over-estimation): hopefully or (at least partially) certainly) with a higher significance. 23:38h: Thinking/Reflecting about thinking and feeling... very strange, hopefully not too confusing. Maybe I should give a concrete example for every idea in order to clarify what I actually mean. Because like that, it might be relatively unclear what is meant. But I will have to try to write about this more from a bottom-up perspective (also the way how I developed it) (and also see how the reactions are to it should there be any).

2012-06-13, 00:24h: Just because I often wrote about God (or the concept of God) doesn't mean that I wouldn't also fully understand a strictly atheist position. Sometimes (but quite rarely), I also switch into such an atheistic mindset. And the net effect of a belief in God might be smaller than one might think anyway, at least in terms of pure thinking. Emotionally, there might be a marked difference between a belief in God and atheism, at least in my case and especially when I feel love pain. But even there, one could imagine that the love is coming from elsewhere or being generated "only" in one's own brain, just that it (as far as I remember it) didn't happen in my case (yet), at least not love towards an atheist concept (but it might be possible, especially/for example in the context of mathematization or mathematics), maybe for some real people, but even there, I probably always felt the love in the context of God's love (as far as I remember it). In my case, the love probably only reappeared in late summer of 2011 after a break of more than a decade (and before, during puberty (I remember it once), certainly not yet in the context of God).

2012-06-11

2012-06-11, 23:56h:
Unfortunately, I did not pass the exam today (I even got a confirmation e-mail in the afternoon that I didn't pass it). :-(
I still have another chance for the exam, I hope I will be able to go and pass this one. It would be a pity to fail twice since I hoped to one day study robotics tuition for early learning environments at a university (a few months ago, I discovered one such a degree program). But if I am not able to conclude the university degree that I have been pursuing for the past about 10 years, it will probably be impossible to begin such an additional degree in an area in which I am most interested in because one probably (at least in this example) has to have bachelor degree first for being admitted to such a program (except when I would be able to begin and conclude another university degree). But I will nevertheless try to expand my website, write on it, independent of the successful or unsuccessful continuation of my studies.

2012-06-12, 03:30h:
At the exam, it would have been better if I had known more about the topics being asked. But learning and focusing on the content and really being involved with it was difficult, especially when one constantly has own thoughts runnings through one's own head parallely. And I didn't know how the exam would be. I was the only one taking the exam and I didn't know anybody who had taken the exam before. Because of that, I also didn't know what kind of topics would be asked and I at least partially learned the wrong topics. But learning more, being able to learn more would have been definitely better (and also learning the right topics).
But I am continuing writing down my own thoughts now as if nothing had happened (after an emotionally quite/considerably depressing afternoon). And if I go to this exam again, I will have to be prepared better. And I should also prevent any accident like the one I had in the previous days before this exam.
05:01h:
I might also have to wait a considerable time before trying any second attempt of the exam in order to allow both my own thoughts/writing to develop (hopefully not too much at the same time, because like that, I would not have enough time to learn) and to prepare sufficiently for a second trial of the exam.

2012-06-10

"The blog entry for today begins in the middle of the day before yesterday's entry ("2012-06-08"), see below."

What shall I do, the entry begins in a very awkward way and this would be at the top, so what to do? A new entry would be correct, but not with this beginning... So, delete the entry here? But then, I cannot expand/move the content later to here...
So, I let it like that, although it is quite laughable ;-) I should have eaten less earlier, then I would not have this formal problem now because there would not be such a report of being quite considerably overweight at the top... ;-) Retrospectively, it is not important because it would be further down, but now... .

No, this is just a formal issue, what matters is that I am looking forward to clarify, expand and comment the content on lukasgirtanner.com and I will simply eat less (also because of less stress), so everything is and will be fine (I just have to watch that there is not another head bump...).

(Now, I have created this entry here, so I can/could still move the content up here afterwards, at a later date. But deleting these comments here is also bad, so everything could also stay as it is now.)

2012-06-08

18:24h:
I will have to continue on lukasgirtanner.com and here in the blog soon. But mainly on lukasgirtanner.com. It was a long break, since last April, I didn't write here on the blog because I have an exam on June 11. But I wrote a lot of ideas on my local computer and on sheets of paper. I will have to make up leeway and write everything in the next months:

I will have to comment on what I wrote on reformpartei.ch in the year 2004 (I have seen that the domain reformpartei.ch can still be found in Google as a search key, so what I wrote there might still be in the memory.). My opinion now concerning the topics covered (and especially many of the concrete policies demanded/suggested) on reformpartei.ch has markedly changed now and is in many (not most, but many) cases exactly the opposite as I described it on reformpartei.ch in 2004. In 2004, I was obviously not able to see the importance of information technology and democracy (and mathematics). Because of that, I wrote too much in a conventional mindset of „globalization and free trade and everything is fine then“. This was also due to the fact that I was studying economics and not computer science yet, so I only later realized the potential and importance of information technology and especially mathematics. But I am still progressive respectively convinced of the need of improving society with new ideas, this has not changed (and I still favor for example free trade very strongly, at least generally), just not in the unreflected and premature way (ignoring especially the importance of transparency, accountability and the need for a constant assessment of the environmental impact of economic activities) like I described it on reformpartei.ch in 2004. But this is will be a relatively large, new topic about economic and research activity and society generally. (This section was slightly altered/expanded on 2012-06-09.)

What I will also have to do:
- change the present domain from lukasgirtanner.com to lukasgirtanner.info. I already purchased the new domain lukasgirtanner.info several months ago, but did not have time yet to make the changes (I tried by changing the nameserver entries, but it doesn’t work, it seems to be more complicated and I need time to find out how to change the entries.)
- on http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/index.php?title=Copyright , change the copyright from „conventional copyright“ to essentially no or very little copyright and almost free use, respectively I will have to explain that in full length on this page.
- on http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/index.php?title=User:Lukas_Girtanner and http://www.lukasgirtanner.com/index.php?title=Lukasgirtanner:Privacy_policy, change the indication how I would handle e-mails concerning the content of my website lukasgirtanner.com and introduce privacy respectively respect the privacy preferences/wishes of somebody who would write me while at the same time remaining as transparent as possible myself (in an ideal case, fully transparent, but this is a long story, quite a lot of explanatory work).
- writing a lot about learning environments, environmental protection issues, and especially transparency (the expression for it in Wikipedia is „radical“ transparency, but I would also use „automatic“ or „negotiated“ transparency depending on the context) and the concept of liquid democracy whose importance I only recently realized.
- also especially important are more diverse and also relativizing thoughts about idea of "mathematization" described on lukasgirtanner.com.
- the type of content that I wanted to write on philosowiki.org in 2010 (but on a separate page; these are more memories of the past (but important for transparency) than what I am presently preoccupied with) (new point from 2012-06-09)
- political issues/opinions, social criticism / suggestions for improvements; reflections on optimal and just developments/solutions (although I am also aware that one's own feelings about what is more just and what is less just is subjective, at least in some way) (this point was expanded on 2012-06-09)
- but most important would / will be to write more about the learning environments for children
I hope that I will make the right priorities (what to write first, maybe I just begin with some sheets of paper). (I even thought about opening another website also for the more conventional ideas in order to keep lukasgirtanner.com as it is, but I am not sure.)

I will also have to move the content describing my „autumn 2011 experience“ to another website because it was really a special time with distinct thoughts and feelings and it ended at the end of December 2011.

All in all, I have prepared the content of a lot of new pages. But because I have this exam on June 11, I will have to wait until after the exam before I continue with writing on lukasgirtanner.com.

2012-06-10, 01:49h: I have just weighed myself, I weigh 89 kilograms at the moment, so I have become quite overweight (height: 175cm). I will really have to lose weight (eat much less) after the exam, I ate too much because of this exam, my mother always prepared/offered me too much food and I couldn't say no. I will go to bed now. Tomorrow, I will have to get up earlier than usually because the exam on Monday is already at 10 AM (10:00h) and I will have to get up really/comparably early on Monday.

Afterwards, I will finally have the time to write about the most pressing issues of the last weeks (regardless if I pass the exam or not). But I have the impression that it is nothing as fundamentally new as the text in 2010. 2006 and 2010 were the time periods where I really wrote already the most important of the new content and now only additional or more clarifying ideas follow based on the new opportunities that would arise from the learning environments that I described in 2010.

I have also seen in the statistics that there was just one visitor to this blog entry here which is really nice, I am so glad, grateful and relieved to be connected. But also when no visitors are indicated in the statistics, I have the impression that someone might have read the blog. So, I am always somehow connected (with new content and not only with the already existing; and the other more emotional/implicit connection seems also to be there, although definitively not like in autumn 2011 ;-) ) which is amazing. The people decades ago didn't have these possibilities of today while now, I have the chance of putting something on the Internet. And other blogs even of today might also be read less and be overlooked which is or would be a pity (but if everything is stored (text doesn't need a lot of space), it might be read also later, this might be especially beneficial in case of content with more emotional depth; but usually, if it is not read immediately (which is a special case somehow too, especially if it is focused on a particular blog or even happens somehow "automatically") or within a few weeks or months, it might not be read much afterwards either; but I will have to write about that more too). If more people can be encouraged to blog and the blogs are also read, it can help to make the world more communicative and connected (over large distances, not only locally by personal contact) and everybody can outline her/his mindsets and ideas. I hope that my blogging is really a useful contribution, that it is (and will be) the right content (also retrospectively; this is also some advantage of not writing continuously online, one can develop one's own thoughts and mindsets without interaction, but it would still have been better to have written constantly online in my case, at least concerning the new core ideas). I have been constantly (repeatedly) thinking and also been developing ideas concerning blogging and speaking one's own mind, but this will also need more explanations in detail. A lot of (relatively) new content lies ahead but I am not sure about the relevance and novelty compared to the 2010 stuff, it might be more a consolidation in some way.

There is also a family with two children in the same town, maybe I can try to do robotics with them, as I did in about 2006 (but I would first have to ask them), should I not pass the exam (or go to the exam a second time; or try another study subject; or begin new studies).

(I will also have to change my Facebook profile picture because it is really outdated/old. But I don't look better now than then. ;-) )

2012-06-10, 15:19h: I will also have to meet people in the small group (and also attend regular worship service) more. Because of the exam, I was absent for a long time. (I deleted the first part of this sentence here; I will have to write much more about transparency and how to handle it on lukasgirtanner.com.) I will have to reconnect more to people. Because of the exam tomorrow, I also didn't go to environmentalist events that would have taken place this week and today. But this is also a chance. I have to develop my thinking further (although it is almost concluded (I always have this impression... ). And under the pressure of having to learn for the exam, I developed a lot of other ideas (although I unfortunately accidentally bumped my head quite severely against a wall a few weeks ago when I was in a hurry and entering my bed for going sleeping, I hope that this was not too detrimental, it's impossible to change it retrospectively, it just happened, but I recovered somehow).

(What was also a mistake was that I chose the wrong blog title ("babieslearnbetter"), as I have just seen now again (but I realized it earlier, already several months ago). Because I actually had another blog with another title ("lukasgirtannersblog" or something like that, which would have been the appropriate title), but it was always empty. The reason was that in 2010, I had an entry in babieslearnbetter that was really fitting the title, but I deleted this entry afterwards. And when I reopened the blog, I just continued on "babieslearnbetter" although the blog developed into a personal blog and hardly anything about early learning environments for children, toddlers and babies. And I didn't move to the other blog title then but just stayed here, although it became clear more and more that it was a personal blog and less (not yet, respectively that would/will be written on lukasgirtanner.com again) about early learning environments. Because of that, there is this somehow misfitting title now in the blog here. And it is impossible to move the content to the other blog title, at least not with the original timestamps. So, next time, I have to think first and change to another title early enough. Or use flexible enough software. Or my own pages on lukasgirtanner.com where there would be more flexibility (but no free long-term storage, this was probably also the reason why I re-opened the blog here). The best would be a blog that would have the flexibility to move content to another blog (title) without losing the original timestamps. (Maybe it is also possible to change the domain even now, I have just seen the text "You can add custom domain later." when creating a new blog, but I haven't checked fully yet.))

2012-04-07

01:51h: I understand now more why there was this network interruption after I had been writing on lukasgirtanner.com the section about winning or losing on the page "Additional ideas" (and I thought really a long time about it in the past days). I was unbalanced respectively not diverse enough respectively not humble (if this is the appropriate word) enough and I did not describe elaborately enough what kind of attitude I had (but no longer have, at least not strictly) towards the topic of playing a competitive game. Furthermore, I was also somehow still indirectly within old (and very bad/wrong/detrimental) thinking when I wrote this section and not aware how detrimental this thinking was. (The two issues interdepend too.) I really apologize for this premature writing respectively not having written more elaborated, in detail and balanced about it from the beginning. I might make up leeway for that on that page, this will be quite a long section and I will have to write a lot / enough so that no misunderstanding happens (and it is an important (and relatively interconnected) topic).

Some keywords already now: being "normal", being balanced/diverse also and especially in the context of this topic, being playful, playfully competitive in a "normal" way, not competitive in an absolute or "overcoming"/"(I deleted this word on 24th of April 2012, after having repeatedly thought about it in the preceding/previous days, because it is really an absolutey wrong way of thinking about any (competitive) interaction.)" way (this is indeed really bad/destructive as I have realized now even more, and I should work on that should I still have last remains of such an attitude which I don't think, I was able to "switch it off" or leave it behind), being grateful for a game just for the game's sake; allowing/appreciating activities/processes where something is concluded, that have an end, too (like a game, which has an ending); the importance of social activities (with rules and mutual attention; being structured); I will have to write a lot about it, it has a lot to do with maturity and "letting go"/being relaxed, not being focused on one's own ego in a wrong way.

And at the same time recognizing that babies don't engage in competitive activities (at least not in the way older children do), so it is also an issue of maturity respectively an attitude that develops with growing up. It has to do with rules and also the question of (mutually) "developing" (and cooperation) instead of (or as an alternative, but not an exclusive one in real learning environments) "competition" (respectively an intermediate area) is an issue.

So, from now on, I will generally need to write in a more reflective, balanced (trying to include diverse activities and attitudes) and also elaborate way while at the same time always sticking to a few basic values.

In the meantime, I have written a lot of offline notes and (this is a different respectively more general topic) I am now more aware of the complexity of the issue and how important it is to be able to distance oneself from any (new and) absolute ideology (including mathematization, but this might be a special case, but it is still new and absolute respectively too absolute to fully/exclusively believe in). This new insight respectively systematics (being able to take a distance from it) about my own eschatologies/ideologies is also the basis for continuing to write (in a sensible way).

And focusing on more concrete topics like real learning environment proposals and how I see their importance (and again, to relativize the importance/exclusiveness of what is new) will also be important. I will also have to write a lot about babiness/babyishness (and at the same time also about maturity and self-control) and its significance.

2012-04-01

02:27h: - have begun to write on lukasgirtanner.com (for the past hours), but now, something seems to have happened, the connection is blocked. "network problems"... probably, - wrote something wrong. loud thinking is obviously not welcome respectively might not be welcome. what is the reason? maybe, it was premature, - should not have focused on such a detail, but instead on what - wrote in the past days. the connection is now open again. maybe the thinking was too associative, to many parenthesis, but - am unsure myself about which visions/eschatologies to write respectively what kind of significance they have.

02:50h-02:58h: This interruption has some impact on me, - know that - am watched or at least - suspect/guess it (- knew it anyway; and - was on the other hand also longing for another sign; but this interruption is another kind of "interaction", no cursor movement ;-), just no connection instead ;-) ). - will probably continue writing in a similar way like the interruption would not have happened, but subconsciously, - might partially lose my motivation to write or not write things that - would otherwise have written. The bottom line is the survival of (wo)mankind (again, more ideas to that topic, the issue might be more complex, but - don't see through) (and also participating in the struggle for l..., avoiding being punished in a possible afterlife should it exist; sorry for all these parentheses, it is difficult to read) and - am committed to that (survival (and maybe even keeping society stable which is also important and on a societal level this has a lot to do with survival (amendment of 12:15h: it might have been better (more precise) if - had written it differently, what is the bottom line / essential is that the lifeforms on Earth remain alive also in the far future (this is a really complex issue and much is probably unclear / remains unclear, at least for me (but actually, - wrote that already yesterday, - just want to avoid the notion of changing too much into a societal perspective because l... (including the transformations) is much more complex and inclusive of everything); end of the amendment of 12:15h)))), that's the main reason why - am doing all this work.

hopefully, - did not write anything wrong here. "- don't want to worsen the situation" - wanted to write, but maybe the interruption was also a private entity (but - don't think); no, this is l... too, if there is an interruption, somebody cares for me, somebody feels l... at least in an indirect way, he wants to help, to give a sign, this is an interaction; - would just like to remind everybody how complex the issues are and how difficult it is to outbalance the various interests (and subjective feelings of l...) in an immensely complex world where practically nothing is known.

one effect might be that - switch back to writing everything on lukasgirtanner.com because it is more responsive and where - can be alerted more easily if - have written something which is problematic (maybe just a suboptimal wording or too many parentheses) ;-) ; - in some way welcome such interruptions and if - only have them on lukasgirtanner.com and not in this blog here, - should actually switch back entirely to lukasgirtanner.com.

17:30h-17:53h (in the time between, also written the text below): Now, - also had the first interruption here after - wanted to write that on lukasgirtanner.com, there are longer delays than previously which is a sign that everything that - write and provisionally upload when pressing on the "Show changes" button is already read. But - am grateful for everything, it is amazing how people (at least somebody) are/is reading the website, how people care for each other, and everybody just tries to serve l... . If my impression is right, - have to write in a really concentrated/controlled/responsible way. On the other hand, the interruptions might have various causes, it is unclear. - also welcome all e-mails or - can also be contacted via Facebook if suggestions are necessary. Maybe, - should really change my blog back to lukasgirtanner.com because the preview ("Show changes") functionality there is more responsive and this is also a proven way of uploading the text because in spring/early summer 2010, - also had this kind of "delays" when uploading the texts. What is probably in the spirit/intent of G-d is that people maneuver themselves somehow through a gigantic and complex world filled with l... and just try to somehow increase it or do their best to adhere to it, constantly, all the time. And it is so difficult to know which action serves G-d and its l... best. And if there is an interaction with other people (in this case without an exchange of words), the situation is even more complex, - should actually write uninterrupted, not influenced by it. And interestingly, almost everything is finished, - have taken so many notes, - just have to upload them. (only the time in autumn 2011 is still a huge issue/backlog (unwritten backlog) but that is another "issue" and one of the biggest mysteries how people can live through such a marvellous time and not be able to express it because they forgot the details and even whole ideas.)

17:38h: - have just thought that it might be more "honest"/"consistent" to not live with my mother B. because - am somehow living in an artificial situation, she does all the householding for me and - am already 32 years old. But living independently from my mother B. is probably difficult and in the occupy camp of Zurich, there is no powerline (and also no chair and table) for an individual tent and a relatively slow connection and - am also very sensitive to the smoke that one has to inhale there, - should live in a smoke free environment. The best would be if - worked part-time in the IT industry or even in robotic education, but this is not the case (- also don't have a computer science degree unfortunately, maybe - will try to catch up on it), so this is not possible. On the other hand, - can fully concentrate on writing the website (this is also some kind of "work" and - am really grateful for being allowed by my "fate" to do it). But - just wanted to say that - am aware of these issues.

17:59h: - will probably switch back to the "I", at least in the instances where the scope of a statement is limited. I should distinguish when the "-" is appropriate, for example in the context of l... or G-d or when writing about ideological issues (ideological, because of motivating people, yes, it is risky, one should avoid exclusively believing in an ideology, stricly avoid). But when writing about more general (or technical) issues, I should use the "I" normally. And I (initially, I wrote "-" again, this has become some kind of automatism and exactly that doesn't make sense) will have to correct the date, because it has already been April the first (in CEST) for a long time.

19:59h: I corrected it now, it is now on a new first of April page.